Retiring Dr. Anthony Fauci Interviewed - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Dr. Anthony Fauci after his announcement about retiring.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the internationally famous immunologist Dr. Anthony Fauci, who recently announced that he is retiring.

Anthony Fauci retiring — Dr. Anthony Fauci says he’s retiring. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning, Dr. Fauci.

DR. ANTHONY FAUCI

Glad to be with you, Mr. Duncan.

JERRY

We look to you for advice on eliminating the coronavirus. When do you think that will happen?

FAUCI

I’m retiring. I’ve had it up to here with omicron, monkey pox, polio, West Nile, East Nile, the Nile River.

JERRY

Senator Rand Paul says you’re a quack. That masks don’t prevent spreading the virus. And once you’ve had COVID-19, you can’t get it again.

FAUCI

Yes, you can get it again. But chances are you won’t be hospitalized. Rand Paul is spreading false information. Science proves otherwise. I’ve had death threats, because of those accusations directed at me.

JERRY

What are you going to do about it?

FAUCI

I’m Italian. My pal Vinny Bono will mess up Paul so bad that he’ll look uglier than Ted Cruz. Bacha ma culo, Rand Paul. Kiss my ass.

JERRY

Trump said that short people like you can use Legos for steps and not break a sweat.

FAUCI

Oh yeah? Trump is so fat that when I asked him to touch his toes he said, “What are those?” I’ve worked for Presidents Reagan to Obama. Because of their encouragement and assistance, I helped solve the Ebola and HIV viruses. George W. Bush even honored me with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Jerry’s cell phone rings with caller id.

JERRY

Sorry, Doc. Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is on the line. I’m going to put her on speaker.

ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ

Can you hear me, Jerry? Jerry? What’s da matta you? Answer me!

JERRY

Hear you loud and clear.

OCASIO-CORTEZ

Republicans are insane! They don’t care about keeping public figures safe. I’m volunteering to be Dr. Fauci’s bodyguard.

FAUCI

Thank you, Alexandria. I accept.

JERRY

How are you going to do it?

OCASIO-CORTEZ

He’s gonna dress like a woman.

FAUCI

Who?

JERRY

How about Mrs. Doubtfire?

OCASIO-CORTEZ

Ooh, yes. I loved Senator Lindsey Graham in that role. He was a natural.

FAUCI

Funny you should mention being a cross dresser. Last week, my friend came out as a cross dresser by wearing a mini skirt to his office party. That showed lots of balls.

JERRY

Republican Congressman Steve Scalise accuses you of colluding with the Chinese by spreading the coronavirus in the Wuhan Lab. He said that if Republicans takeover the House in November, there will be hearings into your conduct.

FAUCI

I was never in contact with the Chinese. I stand corrected, had dinner at Wong Fu’s last week. My fortune cookie saying read, “This cookie fell in the toilet.”

OCASIO-CORTEZ

Jerry. I will be hanging with Dr. Fauci 24/7.

JERRY

Anything you would like to share with my listeners?

OCASIO-CORTEZ

Yes. Marjorie Taylor Greene told me that ribbed condoms taste nothing like ribs.

JERRY

Good to know. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Dr. Anthony Fauci everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.