Interview: Fmr. Trump Senior Advisor - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former senior advisor for the Trump administration Kellyanne Conway.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Not really. Today on the show my guest is the former senior advisor for the Trump administration, Kellyanne Conway.

KELLYANNE CONWAY

Good morning.

JERRY

I finally met the mouth that roared.

KELLYANNE

I like to be heard, Duncan.

JERRY

Wow. You have big teeth.

KELLYANNE

I’m going to use these choppers to bite off your head.

JERRY

Take it easy, Hannibal.

JERRY

Hard to believe, but my intern told me that you graduated from law school. Is it true?

KELLYANNE

Yes. I’m a liar. I mean lawyer.

JERRY

You took the words right out of my mouth. Hey, you first endorsed Ted Cruz not Donald Trump in 2016. The guy is pure evil.

KELLYANNE

That’s not fair. The fake news makes Cruz out to be nastier than he really is. Sure babies don’t want to be kissed by him, but women do.

JERRY

What kind of women?

KELLYANNE

I don’t know. They’re in prison.

JERRY

When you were working on the 2016 Cruz presidential campaign, you criticized Trump as being “extreme” and “not a true conservative.”

KELLYANNE

Not true.

JERRY

Those are your words. I saw the clip on Fox, Smelly Kelly.

KELLYANNE

How do you know my nickname?

JERRY

Because your daughter Claudia posted it on social media.

KELLYANNE

That brat! George and I spoiled her rotten.

JERRY

Do you know what Germans call spoiled children?

KELLYANNE

No clue.

JERRY

Bratswurst.

KELLYANNE

(sarcastic) Real funny, Duncan.

JERRY

Trump ordered an insurrection on January 6, 2021. He never accepted the results of the 2020 election. But Trump had no problem in 2016 when Putin helped him win.

KELLYANNE

I’m going to confess. I can’t lie to my priest any longer.

JERRY

You’re admitting it?

KELLYANNE

(crying) Yes. Trump intended to stop the certification of Joe Biden by overthrowing the government. I wanted to leave the White House with dignity after I was banned from Morning Joe. It wasn’t fair. I’m much prettier than Mika Bribooski, Boobitty, however the hell you pronounce her last name.

JERRY

If it makes you feel better, you’re also banned from CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC and PBS.

KELLYANNE

(crying) I need to be loved. This morning my husband George called me a monster.

JERRY

That’s because you stole Bozo the Clown’s makeup and scaring television audiences.

KELLYANNE

I’ll have you know in college I was the winner of the Miss Blueberry contest. You are berry rude.

JERRY

Oh, Kellyanne cracked a funny. The truth is you couldn’t adlib a fart after a baked bean dinner.

JERRY

I want to ask you something personal. With the Supreme court decision that struck down Roe v. Wade, do you believe in birth control?

KELLYANNE

Of course, I do. I’m from New Jersey and we Jersey girls use protection during sex. They’re called bus shelters.

JERRY

Anybody around here got a cyanide capsule? I need to take one.

JERRY

Before you go, here’s some good news to brighten your day. Ringling Brothers called during the show. They need another clown. You got the job.

KELLYANNE

Thank you, Duncan. What a nice jester.

JERRY

Kellyanne Conway everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.