Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about FTX, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Hundreds of millions of dollars drained from FTX overnight in ‘unauthorized’ transfers
Or, as it’s now known “Ain’tWorthS***Coin.”
Trump-backed Arizona election loser Kari Lake cries “BS” over results
Kari Lake uses a filter for every part of her face, but her mouth…
20% of alcoholics are high functioning
Big damn deal. 100% of pot smokers are functioning high.
Biden granddaughter gets married in White House ceremony
Her dad, Hunter Biden, gave her away, while, Joe Biden probably wants to give away Hunter.
Women stopped from entering amusement parks in Afghan capital
So, they didn’t get to ride “It’s a Third World After All.”
Elon Musk says ‘I have too much work on my plate’
… and then fired the plate.
Kohl’s CEO, Michelle Gas, steps down to take president role at Levi Strauss
So, retail is in her jeans.
Study reveals worldwide decline in sperm counts
Nick Cannon: Hold my lab work.
A photographer aimed his camera at a surfer. A shark photobombed him
So, that’s what my agent’s been up to!
Mike Pence reverses course, spurns Jan. 6 committee questions
What’s the difference between Mike Pence and his book? His book has a spine.
Dodgers cut 2019 NL MVP Cody Bellinger
Appropriately, Bellinger’s striking out on his own.
79-year-old author is breaking the taboo around senior sex
Apparently, 79 is the new 69.
Gisele was just seen on a date with her jiu-jitsu instructor 2 weeks after her divorce from Tom
I’m shocked, Pete Davidson knows jiu-jitsu?
Gen Z stops Red Wave in mid-term elections
… So, Gen Z beat Cra Z …
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/5/23 - June 5, 2023
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/30/23 - May 30, 2023
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/22/23 - May 22, 2023