[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Ex-Prez to Get New Babysitter 24/7

Trump aides have made a bombshell announcement about a new babysitter at Mar-a-Lago estate.

Probably the most consequential result from Donald Trump’s recent dinner with the antisemite conspiracy theorist and rapper known as Ye, joined by White supremacist Nick Fuentes, is the bombshell announcement that a full-time new babysitter will be assigned to the ex-President to ensure he doesn’t keep getting himself in hot water.

trump balloon, new babysitterAides to the ex-president said he needs to be closely watched 24/7 after throwing his plate of New York strip steak slathered with ketchup at Ye, formerly known as Kanye West, when during the dinner the rapper said Trump could be his vice-presidential running mate on a Ye-led presidential ticket in 2024.

“Me, the greatest president ever in history, a certified genius, me, Donald Trump, you saying I should be your vice-president, give me a break,” yelled Trump at Ye. “Do you know who I am? I don’t do vice-president under anybody, okay?” as the ketchup stains against the dining room walls at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate streaked down to the rug.

Some of the ketchup also landed on Ye’s forehead, who casually wiped it off with the sleeve of his white shirt, while Fuentes laughed wickedly at the whole chaotic scene.

Ye said he took it personally that Trump yelled at him, but because he was inclined to be forgiving, believing the ex-president to be a lunatic, said the offer for Trump to be vice-president still stood, even as he yelled back at Trump that he was a “chump.” For which, Trump threatened to throw his bowl of chocolate pudding at the rapper, who in turn threatened to throw his dish of cherry cobbler back at the lord of Mar-a-Lago.

Meanwhile, Fuentes was texting on his phone organizing a new White supremacist rally to protest another surge of migrants crossing into the United States from Mexico.

The Trump team said they had placed an ad in the newspaper announcing the job opening for a Trump babysitter, although they already have several candidates in mind for the position which will have a starting pay of $8.50 an hour, with a chance for a $1/day salary increase after six months depending on how well the babysitter performs the duties.

Among the potential babysitting candidates being mentioned are those apparently out of work and seeking employment, such as retired U.S. Army Lieutenant General Michael Flynn, a key Trump ally and former national security advisor in his presidential administration, attorney Sidney Powell, one of the most notorious Trump election deniers, and Kari Lake, the Trump-backed losing candidate for governor of Arizona.

But the leading candidate, recognizing Trump’s personal predilections, appears to be Juanita D. Gonzalez, a Mar-a-Lago maid and housekeeper, who our impeccable sources say is an illegal immigrant from El Salvador being secretly paid under the table by the Trump Organization. The sources say Juanita is the frontrunner for the job, since Trump calls her a “babe,” rating 9 out of 10 on the Trump scale for good looks which the ex-president would deem the most important qualification for the position.

During the dinner, Ye announced that as his vice-president, Trump’s duties will include going around the country promoting Ye’s next rap album, entitled “Don’t Hump Me, Bitch,” with such other sweet melodic selections as “It’s the Jews’ Fault, Bro,” “What Up, Dawg,” “Yo Mama,” and the featured tune, sure to be a chartbuster, “Honkie Lives Matter,” for which a free T-shirt with that same slogan going to customers who buy his album. The Black artist also announced that his new campaign theme will be “Make America Whiter Again,” for which Trump said didn’t really cut it compared to his own brilliant Make America Great Again, an obvious insult to Ye, for which he resisted the temptation to take a swing at the former president.

Meanwhile, the duties for the new babysitter will include changing Trump’s incontinence underwear twice a day to ensure pubic and ass cleanliness for when he wets his pants, keeping a ready supply of jockstraps for when Trump plays golf to ensure he doesn’t injure his “junk” when taking his usual violent swings while teeing off on the first hole, and tucking the former chief executive into bed no later than 11 p.m. while taking away his phone so he can’t keep sending out angry texts half the night.

Another duty for the new babysitter will be making sure another rather attractive Trump female staffer at Mar-a-Lago, who prefers to remain anonymous, is kept away from the former chief executive since he has an obsession of staring at her generous breasts. Which calls into question whether Juanita D. Gonzales would work out as the best babysitter they could find since Trump will be fixated on her Jennifer Lopez-style-behind, and who knows what could happen when this particular male involved might not be able to keep his hands to himself.

But the babysitter will have still another duty, probably the most important of them all. That’s to spray Trump’s hair with “Just for Men” orange dye, ostensibly useful in keeping any bald spots hidden to maintain his image as a virile, real man’s man.

Asked to comment after the dinner how he feels about having a full-time babysitter, Trump said he wouldn’t mind it a bit as long as it’s a good-looking woman, the best “arm candy” around. After all, Trump said, “who wouldn’t want to be my slave when I’m what they call a babe magnet, okay?”

And with that, his guests for dinner having been escorted from the premises, Trump hurried back to his private quarters to resume texting his many grievances into the night.

Eric Green