Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the first U.S. president, George Washington, via heavenly hologram.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show through the magic of a hologram, live from heaven, my guest is President George Washington. The first president of the United States.
JERRY
Good morning Mr. President.
GEORGE WASHINGTON
Call me George.
JERRY
Okay. May I ask you a personal question, George?
GEORGE
Sure.
JERRY
Why do you have wooden teeth?
GEORGE
Because my real teeth were knocked out playing pond hockey on the Delaware River.
JERRY
Interesting. What’s your favorite position?
GEORGE
I’m a right-winger.
JERRY
You were president from 1789-1797. Two terms. Also, commander of the Continental Army.
GEORGE
Yep. I led the Patriot forces to victory in the American Revolutionary War. You didn’t mess around with George if you were a Brit. We kicked their assess back to England.
JERRY
Do you know the difference between an Englishman and a unicorn?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
They’re both fictional characters.
GEORGE
You’re smarter than a 5th grader, Duncan.
JERRY
That’s the year I learned you chopped down the cherry tree and fessed up to your old man. What courage to tell the truth.
GEORGE
Not really. I was holding the ax.
JERRY
Did everyone get along in politics in those days?
GEORGE
No way. There was a fierce rivalry between my cabinet members Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton. Those jugheads had big egos.
JERRY
Why?
GEORGE
Hamilton had a hit play on Broadway. Jefferson was stuck with 10 kids.
JERRY
There was a racist side to your success. You owned 577 slaves that were forced to work your farms and wherever you lived. Including the President’s House in Philadelphia.
GEORGE
I prefer the term unpaid internship.
JERRY
You also waged a military campaign against Native American nations during the American Revolutionary War. They were here first, Paleface.
GEORGE
You sure?
JERRY
Yes. Native Americans had reservations.
GEORGE
That’s a good one, Duncan. You could entertain my troops.
JERRY
I’m talking about you. Had a wife named Martha. No kids.
GEORGE
I can’t believe I forgot to have children.
JERRY
It’s okay. My motto is “Get her pizza, not pregnant.”
JERRY
Anything you’d like to tell my listeners before we end the show?
GEORGE
Yeah, baby. I’m too cool to be under British rule.
JERRY
President George Washington everyone. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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