New Year's Eve Interview: Santa Claus - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the one and only Santa Claus at a New Year’s Eve party in Wasilla, Alaska.

ANNOUNCER

From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good evening listeners nationwide. Is it a good evening? Yes, it is. We’re coming to you live from the Moose Lodge in Wasilla, Alaska. My guests have flown far and wide to celebrate New Year’s Eve on The Jerry Duncan Show. And a big surprise for you, folks. Santa Claus has joined me to interview the guests. Here he is. The one and only Santa Claus.

SANTA CLAUS

Jerry. My back is killing me from carrying all those packages.

JERRY

Take two aspirins and call Dr. Duncan in the morning. I understand you’re stuck in Wasilla, because Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is on strike.

SANTA CLAUS

The putz. He’s so insecure. All because his nose is red and the other reindeer have black noses. Rudolph insists on a nose job. I need to get back to the North Pole before Mrs. Claus divorces me.

JERRY

It could happen. Did you hear Frosty the Snowman got divorced?

SANTA

No way.

JERRY

Yeah. He said his wife was a flake.

JERRY

I have a suggestion for your Rudolph problem.

SANTA CLAUS

What?

SANTA

Hire Freddy Krueger.

SANTA

The slasher on Elm Street?

JERRY

Guaranteed he’ll get rid of Rudolph’s red nose. Even Rudolph.

JERRY

Hey, you have lots of people to interview. Look , it’s Herschel Walker. Come over, big fella. Sorry about your loss in the Georgia Senate race. Talk to Santa.

HERSCHEL WALKER

Santa. I didn’t get my Christmas wish. I’m a loser.

SANTA

You can always run again.

WALKER

Not talking politics, fat man. I want the English professor job at the University of Georgia.

SANTA

I’m sorry. But there’s not enough time for a brain transplant. However, I do have some good news.

WALKER

What?

SANTA

The producers of Dumb and Dumber want you to be the star in a remake of their movie.

WALKER

Wow! Which role?

SANTA

Both.

WALKER

But I can’t memorize lines.

SANTA

Just makeup stuff. Nobody is dumber than you. It’s a sure hit.

WALKER

Thank you, Santa. I’ll take Hollywood by surprise.

SANTA

And will they be surprised.

Herschel Walker exits.

JERRY

Come over, Marjorie Taylor Greene. Talk to Santa.

CONRESSWOMAN MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE

I don’t know. I’m kind of scared for the year 2023, because 2+0+2+3=7 is the exact number of nipples Putin would’ve had if he had 5 extra nipples. A QAnon theory, Duncan.

GREENE

Hi Santa.

SANTA

Ho,ho,ho.

GREENE

Yep. That’s what the guys say to me in the gym.

SANTA

I have a gift for you.

GREENE

Another piece of coal like the one I found in my Christmas stocking?

SANTA

No, no. House Speaker Kevin McCarthy created a new leadership role for you.

GREENE

(excited) What?

SANTA

Since Herschel Walker lost the Georgia Senate election, you are going to be chairperson of the newly created House Un-Intelligent Committee.

GREENE

Holy shit. I don’t know what to say.

SANTA

You don’t say anything. That’s the beauty of your position.

GREENE

Thank you, Santa. I’ll never call you Bubble Booty again.

Marjorie Taylor Greene exits.

JERRY

It’s Senator Mitch McConnell. C’mon, Turtle. Talk to Santa.

SENATOR MITCH MCCONNELL

I have jet lag, Duncan.

JERRY

That’s not an excuse for looking ugly. Santa Claus wants to help.

SANTA

Hi Mitch.

MCCONNELL

Hello Mr. Claus.

SANTA

I can’t imagine what it must be like being you. Dishonest, conniving, ugly inside and out. But I am willing to help if you do me a favor.

MCCONNELL

What? Stare down a rattlesnake?

SANTA

No. If you publicly denounce Donald Trump as a traitor to the United States, I will get your face reconstructed so you look like George Clooney. I know the top plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills.

MCCONNELL

You mean my wife will kiss me?

SANTS

Yes. Women will be falling all over you.

MCCONNELL

Well.

SANTA

You have a choice. Denounce Donald Trump or hibernate this winter in a turtle sanctuary near Fargo.

MCCONNELL

(hesitates) I…I…I am going to be spending another winter in the bottom of a pond.

Mitch McConnell exits hiding his face.

JERRY

Thanks for trying, Santa. Like all turtles, McConnell is missing a spine. Happy New Year everyone.

SANTA

And to all a good night.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.