[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Dead Presidents Deny Having Classified Documents

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

A high-level seance with dead presidents revealed that most deny having any classified documents in their possession.

SNN resident witch Doctor, Goozokooologist and spiritual medium Dr. Sweet Mama Dorite stated that she recently presided over a high-level seance with many dead presidents, attended by members of the Department of Justice, the FBI, the CIA, the Senate Intelligence Committee and the George Santos Liars Club.

dead presidents, Kennedy, Nixon
Kennedy and Nixon both appeared in black & white at the seance.

The Purpose of the seance was to contact dead US presidents to determine if there were any classified documents in their possession.

FDR, JFK, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Herbert Hoover, Woodrow Wilson, Dwight Eisenhower, Harry Truman, both of the Adams, Chester Arthur and most others denied having any classified documents.

Richard Nixon replied, “Kiss my ass.”

Thomas Jefferson stated that he had some, but one of his vengeful slaves burned them.

President Grant said that he also had had some, but after a long weekend of boozing and hanging out with a lady called Miss Kitty, he couldn’t find them.

Andrew Jackson said, “If you want these sonsofbitches, come get them. But you’d better bring an army.”

Andrew Johnson ranted about the fact that he should still be president.

Millard Fillmore said he didn’t remember being president.

Teddy Roosevelt said he was on safari with Queen Victoria and would get back to her, and Ronald Reagan sent her an autographed still from his 1939 film, Secret Service of the Air.

SNN Words to Live By

“You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.” — NHL player Wayne Gretzky.

“I just do ’em, I don’t explain ’em.” — Comedian Red Skelton.

“Keep your legs crossed and keep your dress down.” — Clifford Curry, Keep Your Legs Crossed, 1960’s song.

Ted Holland