Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about weed on the Las Vegas Strip, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Las Vegas Strip has an unexpected cannabis problem
My guess, they’re getting clobbered at the all-you-can-eat buffets …
DeSantis administration revokes Hyatt Regency Miami alcohol license after it hosted “A Drag Queen Christmas”
Really, what’s more Christmasy for some then ‘donning their Gay Apparel.’
Submarine with 2 bodies, 3 tons of cocaine seized in the Pacific Ocean
… In three, two, one … Cocaine Sharknado.
More than 30-50 feral Canadian hybrid ‘super pigs’ reportedly headed towards USA
Hey, Joe Biden, build a wall and make ‘Honey Baked’ pay for it.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day
Which is Irish for Cinco de Mayo.
Texas school official casually left gun in third grade bathroom stalls
In fairness, maybe it was just a Godfather reenactment gone terribly wrong …
Tom Brady considering another comeback
… but that’s probably just the Metamucil talking.
Tiger Woods denies having ‘oral tenancy agreement’ with ex Erica Herman amid messy $30 million lawsuit
Minds out of the gutter, people.
Tucker Carlson said he hated Trump ‘passionately”
If you think that’s bad,you should’ve heard it in the original Russian.
What banking crisis? Warren Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway spends close to $500 million on Occidental stock in 3 days
Or, in technical terms, ‘Fill ‘er up!’
Elon Musk is reportedly building his own town in Texas
To be called Muskow, Texas.
Oscar nominated songwriter Tems goes viral after blocking audience’s view at the Oscars with huge gown and wedding veil
If there was justice Kareem Abdul Jabbar will be sitting in front of Tems … Forever.
George Santos continues to have no committee assignments
So, he can concentrate on defending his Indy 500 title.
A massive seaweed blob is headed to Florida — rotten stench included – Sun Sentinel
… And then to NY to be indicted …
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/30/23 - May 30, 2023
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/22/23 - May 22, 2023
- Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/15/23 - May 15, 2023