Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about a mass worker exodus in Florida, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

New DeSantis law sparks mass worker exodus in Florida

Yup, the Seven Dwarfs were last seen ‘Hi Ho hi ho-ing’ from Disney World into Georgia.

Domino’s can now deliver pizza almost anywhere using GPS pins. No surprise they’ve be A.I. forever

… Artificially Italian.

Marjorie Taylor Greene called Lauren Boebert a ‘Little Bitch’ on the House Floor

… and George Santos said ‘here.’

Hunter Biden makes plea deal

Hunter Biden is the Roger Clinton of Billy Carters.

Time for the NBA draft

Or, as the Kardashians call it, ‘Tinder.’

Geraldo has been canned from The Five

Look for him to get a new show ‘FOX and the Guy with No Friends.’

YouTube takes down RFK Jr. interview suggesting chemicals in water supply might feminize children like they do frogs

Brings new meaning to Kermit singing about the ‘Rainbow Connection.’

Texas heat wave smashes records with no relief in sight

It’s so hot in Texas people are forgetting the Alamo and remembering the à la Mode

White Starbucks manager fired amid furor over racism wins $25 million

Or, two Venti Mochas and a lemon tart.

Jackie Kennedy once dated Warren Beatty

So, she should also be known as Jackie Oooooooh!

Costco is currently selling an outdoor bar for half the price it would cost to build one

… And it seats 468 …

5 things to know about Harlan Crow, the billionaire funding Clarence Thomas’s lavish lifestyle

Number one: Harlan Crow bought the bootstraps that Clarence Thomas pulled himself up by!

Meghan Markle’s agent just confirmed her podcast ‘archetypes’ may have found a new home

Hopefully, it involves a loudspeaker and a studio next door to Piers Morgan.

Zuckerberg accepts cage match challenge from Musk

… Look for Musk to buy the UFC so he’ll think he’s now a pro MMA fighter …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)