[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Polls, Picks and Politics: Trump Holds Impromptu Press Conference

Trump answered reporters’ questions at an impromptu press conference held at his Mar-a-Lago estate.

Donald Trump’s last presidential poll ratings, conducted by Gallup over the period from January 4–15, 2021, were a dismal 34%, his lowest rating ever. Trump recently issued some of his own ratings on a number of issues, policies, and individuals. Donald J. Trump took on the world in a scathing attack on his political foes and some of his alleged friends in an impromptu press conference and address to hundreds of supporters, wherein he answered questions from reporters outside his Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Florida, on Friday.

Trump impromptu press conference
Trump impromptu press conference. Photo: Michael Vadon, flickr.com, Creative Commons.

According to Trump, President Joe Biden is “the worst Chief Executive since George Quincy Bush, who was nearly as bad as his old man, George H. Quincy Bush.” When asked for his favorite president, he replied, “Of course, that would be me,” and he pulled a plump thumb into his own bloated torso, then added, “You don’t wanna bet against me!”

Asked where on the roster of chief executives he would place Abraham Lincoln, Trump sneered and scoffed at Lincoln’s “supposed accomplishments,” noting that because the 16th president was assassinated in office,”he was a loser — I prefer the ones that survive.” Trump further characterized Abraham Lincoln as “just another feckless Jew,” who was more interested in the Hebrews in Chicago and New York City than he was in those residing in Israel.” When reminded that Israel did not even exist until nearly another century later, Trump said that, as an executive, he didn’t “dither with details.” He added that during the Civil War, not all Jews were pro-Union. “There were George Soros’s ancestors,” he said, “and all those 19th-century media types.”

Lincoln, he said, did little on his own to actually end the Civil War. adding that the real credit goes to the “supposed ineptitude” of Conferate generals like Braxton Bragg, John Bell Hood, and Robert E. Lee, all of whom subsequently had U.S. military bases named in their honor. “You see,” explained Trump, “those generals were all spies, enlisted by that bastard (Edwin) Stanton (Union Secretary of State). He was also responsible for the first black riots, when those slaves — who were all well fed, fat, and sassy and productively employed as carpenters, stone masons, and so on, building the U.S. Capitol — had their thick, black skulls filled up with that BLM nonsense.” Trump paused a moment in order to loudly blow his nose.

Trump unexpectedly fielded questions about rumors of disharmony in his family. Some pundits have suggested that the ex-president was having an affair with rival Republican presidential candidate and former U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley.

“No way,” scoffed Trump, saying that the former Governor of South Carolina “don’t give head any better than Melania does. She is better than DeSantis, though,” he continued, “but only just. Besides, Desantimonious always wears some damned dress or something. ‘Native attire,’ from some shithole country or other.” Here, Trump paused to slurp from a can of Diet Coke and then burped. “But, neither one can compare with Sessions.” he noted, with instant mirth crinkling his eyes.

Ex-President Trump then went on to rate various figures in long-ago as well as recent American history:

Worst Attorney General?

“That one’s tough. I might have once said Jeff Sessions — Mr. McGoo — “and here he made spectacles with his curled fingers and held them myopically up to his eyes — “but I’d say that laurel wreath goes to Bill Bar — that fat, cowardly, miserable pig!”

Worst Vice President?

“Looking ahead, a couple of years ago, I’d have said it would be Klhlamydia Harris.” He laughed darkly. “But that little weenie, Mike Pence, sure showed his true colors when the chips were down.” Trump looked disgusted. When it was pointed out to the ex-president that both of the men he mentioned had been personally chosen by him, he sneered and said crossly, “Huh. Family man!” and he gestured to Waltine “Walt” Nauta, his body man, who came forward and spit upon the ground for his employer. “Next time, Walt,” said Trump, “chew some tobacco.”

The worst woman you ever met?

For a moment, Trump’s blue eyes burned orange to match his skin, and he said, “That would have to be ‘the ten million dollar woman.’ I can’t mention her name on account of the fact that she’ll sic her blood-sucking leech lawyers on me, but you know who she is — the whackjob!”

Then Trump turned the tables on the interviewers, asking why we hadn’t asked for any of “the best of?” When it was acknowledged that the press believed that Trump would name himself in each category, he replied, “Yes, but I’m not a lawyer.”
Okay, who is the best attorney of all time?

“I might have at one time said Harry Cohn (Trump’s lawyer during the 1970s), but since that AIDS stuff…” He shook his fingers and wiped his hands uneasily on his suit jacket and paused for a moment. He continued: “And I might have named Rudy, and I may still one day. Rudy is a great attorney. He gets out of rehab in a few days. I think he’s on Step 11. So, my final answer today is Roger Taney.” A pin could have been heard dropping. Supreme Court Chief Justice Roger Taney presided over the controversial court proceedings in the infamous Dred Scott decision, which held that negroes were property and could not seek redress in federal court.

The address and press conference were abruptly concluded when a golf cart suddenly materialized at the dais, with Kevin McCarthy at the wheel of the vehicle. As he rode off, Trump turned back to the dispersing crowd, shouting, “Goodbye, everyone; be sure and vote several times; and don’t forget to buy the Trump Mugs with the Mugshots — just $95 and The Sharper Image; and lots and lots of red hats; anyone want any Australian Trump Kangaroo Steaks; and don’t forget…” The cart carried him beyond the range of his voice.

Bill Tope
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