[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Gov. Abbott Praises Buoys Barrier as ‘Pretty’ and ‘Effective’

Texas Governor launches buoys project to keep out immigrants, tenders tutorial on history of immigration.

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott has launched a spirited offensive to prevent immigrants from breaching the boundaries separating Mexico from Texas. Last June 8, upon passage of necessary legislation by the Texas legislature, Abbott announced plans to install strings of buoys in high-traffic areas of the Rio Grande River, the body of water which is contiguous with Texas and Mexico.

buoys, Alamo
Abbott: “We just need to sell more of them little porcelain Alamo figurines.”

So far, only one 1000 ft. string of large orange buoys has been deployed, near Eagle Pass. The Rio Grande extends for 1,885 miles, which would make the project, at $1 million dollars per installment, cost on the order of $12 billion.

“Not a problem,” said Abbott, speaking to the press from the state house in Austin. “We just need to sell more of them little porcelain Alamo figurines.”

Critical reaction has been pointed. U.S. Rep. Veronica Escobar and seven like-minded Democrats sent a letter to Attorney General Merrick Garland, questioning if the anti-immigration effort may conflict with international law. “Abbott is using dangerous and inhumane practices which intimidate, endanger and hurt immigrants and their families,” charged Escobar.

A spokesperson from Abbott’s office dismissed such remarks as “Spic talk.” Critics of the program have been many. Former Rep. Beta O’Rourke called the governor a “feckless asshole,” and Rep. Joaquin Castro described the buoys as “drowning devices.”

Abbott responded to criticism by describing the buoys as “pretty, large, round, solid-plastic balls that are fixed to the river bed.” They are also festooned with razor wire and draped with netting — to prevent wily immigrants from crawling under the obstacles. He said that they will merely “bolster measures already long in use.”

Critics decry the measure as “cruel and inhumane,” citing instances in which infants and babies have been pushed back into the water by border patrol personnel, and at least one case in which a pregnant woman miscarried after becoming entangled in the razor wire. “Look at it this way,” replied the Governor. his eyes crinkling in a smile, “we got rid of at least one faux natural-born citizen. Nip it in the bud, I say,” he declared.

Texas Public Safety Director Steve McCraw, hand-picked by Abbott for his position, remarked that the system of buoys was “more effective than the measures incorporated during the previous administration,” which involved parolees and trustees from Texas penal institutions, outfitted in small water craft, and forcibly holding immigrants beneath the water of the Rio Grande.

Abbott was candid about his objectives: “My hope is that the possibility of death will deter persons from trying to enter our state.” When asked by reporters whether there were more subtle means by which the same objective could be reached, Abbott replied, “Yes, a 30.06 to the brain is equally effective, but the high cost of bullets necessarily places such measures in the background.”

While addressing the press, Governor Abbott gave a short tutorial on immigration in the United States. “The United States,” said Abbott, “has seen more immigrants than any nation on earth. Between 1783 and 2019, more than eighty six million immigrants have crossed our shores. Legislative action taken against immigration is no stranger to this country, either.

“Modern anti-immigrant action began in 1882 with the Chinese Exclusion Act. Economic-downturn in China, the Opium Wars, and new economic opportunities due to the Gold Rush and construction of the Continental Railroad accounted for four million Chinese immigrants betwen 1850 and 1882. Alarm at increased competition for jobs, natural xenophobia, and the understandable Caucasian annoyance with slanted eyes, led to this needed legislation.

“In 1942, in the shadow of WWII, Executive Order 9066 was implemented by President Franklin Roosevelt, resulting in stripping Japanese American citizens of their rights, and their internment in prison camps. Served them right, you ask me, the damned little squint eyes.

“At the same time, the so-called Bracero (Spanish for laborer) was enacted, whereby Mexicans were recruited to perform agricultural tasks in the United States. In all, some four million braceros were so employed. After the program ended, braceros were henceforth known, as they are today, as “wetbacks.”

“In 1965 the Celler Immigration Act was enacted, whereby immigrants of nationalities other than Western European or British were encouraged to immigrate. As a result, individuals came over from Asia, Africa and Latin America; and there you have your shithole countries.

“That pretty much brings us up to date, if you discount DACA and Dreamers and all that shit. Now, let me be clear: I’ve nothing against beaners. I don’t care how greasy they are. As a noted American statesman once said, when Mexicans immigrate. “they only send the murderers, the thieves, the rapists. And I’m damn sure going to keep them out!”

Bill Tope