[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Toilets Across the World Set to Go on Strike at Midnight

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Things could really back up badly if toilet union follows through on threat to go on strike for better working conditions.

According to SNN feces reporter Cesse Poole toilets, from the golden thrones of Buckingham Palace to the piss bin at Sneaky Pete’s Bar in Amarillo Texas, are set to go on strike at midnight tonight if their union demands are not met.

toilets go on strike
Toilets around the world, even squat toilets like this one in China, are threatening a major commotion (“commodetion”?).

In an exclusive interview, using Artificial Ignorance as a whisperer, Miss Poole spoke with Mr. Chamber Potte, head of The Universal Brotherhood of Commode Flushers, Transporters and Shit Movers.

He stated that, “If our demands are not met, every commode, toilet, head, john, crapper, shithole, piss bowl, loo, privy, cludge, dump bowl, throne office and shankie will shut down. The world will get really shitty.”

According to Mr. Potte, the main issue is working conditions. “We work in the filthiest places and conditions on Earth and we get no respect. People shit on us, piss on us, jackoff on us, and flush grease, dope and crap down us.”

The union’s major demand is toilet cleanings and brushings at least 12 times a day with a cleaner and freshener made by the Chanel Perfume makers, Chanel Number 12. They also demand bidets on every toilet and piss moats around every toilet.

Mr. Potte says that he is currently a commode in the visitors clubhouse at Yankee Stadium.

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SNN Words to Live By

“There’s something rewarding about picking some guy up and tossing him over your head.” — Wrestler Erland Vanlidth Dejeude.

“What is more futile than hindsight?” — Barbara Walters.

“God didn’t make no mistakes. That’s how he got to be God.” — Archie Bunker (Carroll O’Connor), All in the Family TV series.

Ted Holland