Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/28/23

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Taco Bell, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: 

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Taco Bell
Taco Bell order is easy prey for a hungry bear.

Nacho average bear: Florida mammal swipes $45 Taco Bell order from porch after Uber Eats delivery

That’s like 9,000 tacos and a churro worth …

Black Friday sales surge, despite economic uncertainties

Actually, I went to an after-Thanksgiving sale once. Never again … because it’s true, ‘once you go Black Friday you never go back.’

Joe Biden confused Britney Spears for Taylor Swift

… While Trump confused his ex-wife with the woman he sexually assaulted.

21 warning signs someone is Bipolar

For one, they think there are 42 signs.

NATO jets intercept Russian military plane over Baltic States

… As opposed to NY Jets, who only get intercepted.

Leonardo DiCaprio celebrated his 49th Birthday

… Big turnout, probably because it wasn’t on a school night.

Trump releases a letter from a doctor declaring that the former president’s “overall health is excellent” and “cognitive exams were “exceptional”

So, it was signed Dr. George Santos, MD.

Swimmer spots ‘once in a lifetime’ sight of sea lion battling octopus, video shows

Weirdest thing was guest ref Sponge Bob Referee Pants.

Former US first lady Rosalynn Carter dies at 96

… And, not just a First Lady, but always a lady first. God speed.

Founder of far-right Catholic site resigns over breach of its morality clause, group says

I believe they made the announcement on XXX.

Robert De Niro didn’t appreciate the claim that he would take phone calls while using the bathroom

No word if bad cell service in bathrooms forced him to ask callers: ‘Hello, hello. You talking to me?’

Republicans only care about the debt when a Democrat is president

Yup, otherwise they suffer from ‘Lack of Attention To The Deficit Disorder.’

Britney Spears’ memoir sold 1.1 million copies in its first week

With all the dating revelations In Britney Spears’ new book, instead of the ‘Woman in Me,’ it should be called ‘The Men in Me.’

Virginia Democrat Susanna Gibson loses state House race after sex video scandal

… People were shocked seeing a politician with their actual spouse …

Paul Lander
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