Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about priests blessing same-sex couples, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Pope says Roman Catholic priests may bless same-sex couples

Well, it is the season to don your gay apparel.

Trump has extended Truth Social meltdown after Colorado Supreme Court bans him from ballot

While Heinz Ketchup stock goes through the roof. Coincidence? You decide.

Researchers may have found King Alfred’s pelvis

Which, I assume, will improve his dance moves.

Biden pardons thousands with marijuana convictions

Too bad for Biden, by Election Day they’ll probably have forgotten.

Predatory hawks are trained to intimidate seagulls hanging around SoFi Stadium, particularly its six-acre artificial lake

… As opposed to Atlanta Hawks, who don’t scare anybody.

After spending billions, over 23 million people now own NTFs that are completely worthless

Elon Musk: Hold my Twitter.

6 signs your marriage will last a lifetime

Number one reason: you’re not given long to live.

Laura Ingraham melts down over Biden ‘Nutcracker’ Christmas tap dancing video

I guess Ingraham thinks she’s an expert on the Nutcracker because she is a nut and a cracker.

Brad Pitt turns 60

He doesn’t seem to age. If they did a movie about his sex life, it would be called ‘Fifty Shades of Dorian Grey.’

‘Dog Eats 5 100 Dollar Bills’

Because of withholding taxes only poops out $375.56.

‘Dukes of Hazzard’ star John Schneider could face secret service probe for threat against President Biden

Apparently, Schneider doesn’t like President Biden. Can someone tell me what Starsky or Hutch thinks; so I don’t have to give a rat’s ass about that, either.

Chris Christie says he’s not dropping out of race for President

… But that he’ll shut down that bridge when the time comes.

Christmas shoppers safe from 600-pound alligator that was captured next to a mall in Florida

Sounds like a bunch of croc to me.

Orange tabby cat named Taters steals the show in first video sent by space laser from deep space

… Marjorie Taylor Greene says she knew all along Taters was Jewish …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)