The Secret Diary of Melania Trump

“The former first lady has mostly retreated from public view — and steered clear of the campaign trail — while her husband fights to return to the White House and faces increasing legal peril.

“Since leaving the White House, Melania Trump’s world has gotten smaller. Just how she likes it.”

Lisa Lerer and Katie Rogers, New York Times, July 26, 2023

secret diary
Secret diary. Photo: Fredrik Rubensson, flickr.com, CC BY-SA 2.0.

The Secret Diary of Melania Trump

As reported by S. Daniel Guttman

Dear MUCKA, I am meeting with a Donald on Saturday? Oh, yeah, I remember, that Donald.

Dear MUCKA, Not many people know that MUCKA means “Kitty” in Slovenian. Let’s keep that our little secret, just like my heroine, Anne Frank, kept hers.

Dear MUCKA, Donald has stored many cardboard boxes at Mar-a-Lago. Some in my closet and some in the bathrooms. Cardboard clashes with my décor and my wardrobe. I wonder what is in them?

Dear MUCKA, I saw some boxes being moved around sneakily. Maybe that’s why I can’t find my “I really don’t care, do you?” blouse. Who would want to wear that but me? Donald?? No! I don’t think so.

Dear MUCKA, When I was looking for my blouse, I discovered that there were some war plans in one of the document folders in a box. Fortunately, we are not planning to invade Slovenia. So I was relieved.

Dear MUCKA, Donald was surprised my parents are living at Trump Tower. He said to me, ”Are they still alive? I haven’t seen them since we got married and maybe not even then.”

Dear, MUCKA, I don’t believe the E. Jean Carrol accusations. Donald never offers to help me when I shop.

Dear, MUCKA, Donald asked me to attend a campaign event. That’ll cost him as much as he now owes to E. Jean Carroll.

Dear MUCKA, I am looking for Universities that Baron can attend. It is difficult to find any that haven’t heard of Donald Trump. I did find one school that had no access to the internet or mainstream media. But it was on a South Pacific Island. I’ll keep trying.

Dear MUCKA, I’m still upset that Donald didn’t follow-up on my suggestion to change all USA street signs to Slovenian. It will help Americans to learn another language and help me to know where I’m going.

Dear MUCKA, I just avoided another interview. Whew! Don’t know why the mainstream-media wants my opinions. I don’t want theirs.

Dear MUCKA, I’m so grateful my modeling career prepared me to be First Lady. Thank God I learned how to walk down a runway sexily in Stilettos. And pout.

Dear MUCKA, I tried cooking for Donald for the first time in years, but I forgot to take the wrappers off the Big Macs and the smoke from the oven fire was terrible. But on the plus side, he does like them well done.

Dear MUCKA, I used to be appreciative that Donald chose me from all the women he has grabbed in the Nozinca. Now, I’m less certain.

Dear MUCKA, I got into a big fight with Donald and he threatened to have me deported. I told him his deporting days are over and reminded him that I know where the bodies are buried, and I dug some of them up.

Dear MUCKA, I saw that Donald has kept an old basketball shoe from Shaquille O’Neal . I think I will use it as a gravy boat. I wonder what the gravy will taste like?

Dear MUCKA, I was shocked by the events at the Capital on January 6th. The clothing the well-behaved crowd wore was terrible. No designer labels. No style at all. No wonder they are in trouble.

Dear MUCKA, I will never wear a MAGA hat. It messes up my hair. Besides, what does it mean anyway? Never heard of the word when I learned English in Modeling School.

Dear MUCKA, I just interviewed another candidate for my scholarship charity. I was impressed that she got into cosmetology school on the first try. I believe she will have a major impact on the world of eyeliner.

Dear MUCKA, Uh-oh. I finally got around to reading the pre-nup I signed when I married Donald. It just entitles me to all the pots and pans I can carry in my arms out of Mar-a-Lago in one exit trip. I guess I’ll have to reconsider my filing for divorce.

Dear MUCKA, Donald was just indicted again. I’m glad he is still in the news. I’m sure he will be very happiest and Be Best.


S. Daniel Guttman is a closeted humorist who outed himself in third grade but is more ashamed that he earned an MBA from NYU. He can be reached on Facebook at “DanNJ1776”.

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