Celebrity Recipes: Melania Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Roast Boar

Melania Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Roast Boar

For delicious Mar-a-Lago Roast Boar, you start with a corpulent male pig; the extra fat will make the flesh more succulent. I recommend a 300 lb. specimen.

trump roast boar
Photo: Vincent Noel, flickr.com, adapted. CC BY-NC 2.0.

First, disembowel the boar — it’ll give you such a sense of visceral satisfaction — and violently rip the genitalia from the carcass. Burn them in a peach tree dish (I got a marvelous one as a present from Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene). This adds nothing to the entree, but again, it makes you feel so good. This is a small task, and will take only a moment.

Secondly, you strip the orange skin off the carcass and marinate the meat in a sauce composed of Diet Coke, Aqua Velva, and herbs. You may need to secure the boar’s snout prior to cooking — it’s always popping open — and for this I would suggest using an extra-long red silk Hermes necktie. A stuffing of Mex

ican vermin noodles is recommended; you may cram these in from the opposite end of the boar, if it seems easier.

And finally, roast the hell out of it; make sure it isn’t coming back. I would like to thank Reichsfuhrer Steven Miller for all his help in writing this recipe. Likewise, I would like to acknowledge the assistance of chefs Mark Meadows, Rudy Giuliani and John Eastman. Truly, a Trump never cooks up anything without their help.

Bill Tope
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