Harvard Degrees in Pirating, Plundering

Harvard says it’s simply adapting with the times and preparing “for the end of America as we know it.”

In an effort to adapt with the times and prepare for the end of America as we know it, Harvard University announced that it will be offering a new major next fall in “Pirating and Plundering.”

“Harvard is always looking to provide our students with the essential life skills they need to succeed in the real world,” said Walter Vanderbeek, a distinguished fellow who is a Distinguished Fellow and Executive Director of the new Black Sam Bellamy School of Pirating and Plundering at Harvard University.

“And during this time of historic crime and lawlessness among our leaders in America, we feel that pirating and plundering will be essential skills that students will need to get ahead in the 21st Century after Democracy dies,” said Vanderbeek.

The curriculum will feature courses like Creative Choking and Punching, Introduction to Maiming with Blunt Objects, Bombing Economics, History of Bad Guys, Modern Techniques in Swashbuckling, Advanced Karate Chopping, Theories and Concepts in Plundering, Gunthology, and Principles in Treasure Burial and Mapping.

Carter Frederickson, a current freshman at Harvard, is looking forward to switching his major from Awkward and Aloof Business Management (AABM) to Pirating and Plundering.

“I feel that I would be an effective awkward and aloof business manager as I had mastered courses in Avoiding Eye Contact, Passive-Aggressive Memos and Emails, Inconspicuous Leering, and Making People Feel Guilty for Not Working Late,” said Frederickson. “But I just don’t think those skills will have any application once I graduate. I need to be sensible in my choice of major.”

A recent study by McKinsey & Co. said that pirating and plundering will be the fastest growing career in America after Democracy dies and the full effects of global warming kick in.

“It’s not like I’ll ever use my degree in Awkward and Aloof Business Management once America crumbles, but it is something unique and different that I could impress my fellow buccaneers on the ship with,” said Frederickson. “On the other hand, Pirating and Plundering will give me skills I can use every day to stay alive and feed my family once everything falls apart and the apocalypse is upon us.”

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Dave Henry

Dave’s work has appeared in various publications including End of the Bench, Robot Butt, and The Spoof, as well as many unfunny outlets. He also sometimes refers to himself in the third person.