Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/9/24

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Xerox, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: 

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Xerox layoffs planned.

Xerox will lay off 15% of its workforce

Xerox will lay off 15% of its workforce.
Xerox will lay off 15% of its workforce.
Xerox will lay off 15% of its workforce.

Nikki Haley offer up ‘black friends’ defense after Civil War gaffe

Haley and Times Square both brought in the New Year by dropping the ball.

People who complain of boredom are 2.5 times more likely to die of a heart attack or stroke

At least, they weren’t busy when it happened.

Mitt Romney thinking of running for President a third time against Joe Biden

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?

Hilaria and Alec Baldwin take their kids to Balloon Museum on New Year’s Eve

Damn, the one place with more hot air than Alex.

Jimmy Kimmel hints at potential lawsuit against Aaron Rodgers

Well, all that Ivermectin made Rodgers a horse’s ass.

A McDonald’s restaurant in Ohio was ordered to close after a customer said he found a crack pipe next to his hash browns and McMuffin

Well, he did order it with Coke …

Trump has made 47 social media posts attacking E. Jean Carroll

In fairness, maybe he thinks it’s his ex-wife Marla.

Panthers owner David Tepper throws drink at Jaguars fans as his team gets embarrassed

… even more embarrassing the tossed drink was intercepted and run back for a touchdown!

Picky goldendoodle will only eat dog food after owners pretend to add ranch dressing

Or, as the owners should be known, ‘Pavlov’s People.’

House Republicans stew over members who caused upheaval

With all the fighting, back stepping, name calling — it’s like an episode of ‘Big Brother: House Of Representatives.’

Young adults avoiding buying starter homes

Instead, opting for starter basements in their parent’s homes.

Zendaya sparks breakup rumors after unfollowing boyfriend Tom Holland

Paging Pete Davidson.

US economy adds 216,000 jobs

Would’ve been 216,001 except for Kevin McCarthy.

Paul Lander
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