[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Changes Running Mates

Trump changes running mates: Discards Santos as “amateur” and opts for Roseanne Barr.

Donald J. Trump, leading Republican candidate for president, doesn’t like under-performers, he says, and so he’s changing running mates. He’s dropping previously selected VP running mate former Rep. George Santos (R. NY) for comedian Roseanne Barr.

Trump changes running mates Roseanne Barr
Trump changing running mates, opting for Roseanne Barr. LLC derivative work: William S. Saturn, CC BY-SA 3.0.

“I wouldn’t mind if he were just a liar and a thief,” said Trump at a rally in Redneck, IA on Friday, in a runup to the Iowa Caucuses, “but he’s no good at it; he’s small time — an amateur.

“Stealing money for a dog’s surgery?” Trump snorted. “If it were me, I’d take the money and then just send Roger Stone to murder the dog! And falsifying records? He was busted in months, whereas I got away with it for literally decades. And they ain’t got me yet, because I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s a witch hunt.” Members of the large audience raised their voices in support of the ex-president. “And the money he scammed — a few thousands — well, I don’t need a beginner like that on my team, I can tell you that! I want you to meet my new running mate,” he said.

Trump then stood aside as Roseanne Barr took the dais and addressed the crowd. “Donald Trump,” she said in a raucous voice, “is the MAGA-dor; he fights deep state bull!” The crowd screamed its approval. “He’s a mother-bear,” she went on, but was interrupted by a voice from the crowd.

It was conservative attorney and virulent anti-Trump critic George Conway, who shouted, “You got that about half right; the ‘mother’ part!”

The crowd grew instantly hostile and jeered at Conway, who quickly slunk away.

A dad bear,” went on Barr, as though there had been no interruption. “They’ll go out and kill all the others, and it’s cool!” She paused for a beat, then blurted, “And E. Jean Carroll was just asking for it!” To the cheers of the crowd, she added, “He’s the only candidate with balls!” In front of the crowd, Trump grabbed his crotch provocatively and then returned to the dais, applauding and grinning widely. He patted Barr fondly on the ass.

“Roseanne said in an interview five years ago,” Trump bellowed into the mic, “that no Jews died in the Holocaust, that it was all a lie. Well, she was only kidding; what’s the matter, can’t a Kike take a damn joke? I thought it was pretty funny. I laughed my ass off!”

The crowd began chanting “Jews will not replace us, Jews will not replace us, Jews will….”

“Damn straight!” shouted Trump, and he and Barr raised clenched fists in concert with the hundreds of Proud Boys and Oath Keepers in attendance, and Trump screamed, “Stand back and stand by!”

“And get this,” continued Trump, his face glowing a vivid orange, “after we’re back in office, I’m adding the Media Containment Agency to my cabinet and Roseanne will be back on TV almost immediately. Or else!” he concluded, and drew a forefinger menacingly across his throat. “And,” he went on, “we’ll cancel Anderson Cooper; we’ll cancel Lester Holt; we’ll cancel all the MSM!” The crowd, unable to contain themselves any longer, rushed the stage and began hurling currency at Trump, who swiftly slipped the bills into the pockets of his suit.

Bill Tope