[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Balance of Nature, FDA Reach Accord

Months-long dispute between Balance of Nature and the FDA finally finds resolution.

Last month, the Food and Drug Administration ordered the producers of Balance of Nature nutritional supplements to cease producing and selling their product. Evig LLC and Premium Production LLC, Utah-based companies which are the marketers and makers or Balance of Nature products, respectively, said at the time that they would comply. This Friday, word of a resolution to this conflict was released to the press.

Balance of Nature. Photo: John Twohig.
Photo: John Twohig, flickr.com, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

Balance of Nature was originally cited for not “curing or preventing” conditions as advertised. According to a vast multi-media campaign, their products would cure and/or prevent congestive heart failure, epilepsy, ingrown toenails, Type I diabetes, anthrax, shingles, some 40 types of cancer, and was also said to prompt severed limbs to regenerate.

Also alleged in the citation was the accusation that Balance of Nature does not contain just the nutritional essences of “31 fruits and vegetables,” but may also contain up to 90% concentrated caffeine by weight. Investigators say this accounts for TV testimonials in which elderly folks — depicted as real customers — “scurry madly to shake tablets from their containers and shove them into their mouths.”

Subsequent FDA investigations indicated that, in some instances, the products may also contain semen, high quantities of lead, toxic mercury, methamphetamine, DDT, nuclear waste, and even crack cocaine.

And finally, preliminary indications suggested that use of Balance of Nature supplements, per package instructions, could cause users to develop partial paralysis, bleeding in the brain, and “morbid penile dysfunction,” which may result in genital amputation.

As part of the resolution of the FDA’s investigation, Premium Productions and Evig will be forced to hire experts who will audit the production and marketing processes to ensure that they are in line with FDA regulations. These individuals will also act as conduit to officers of the FDA and the public. Reportedly, actor Tom Selleck (Magnum, P.I., Blue Bloods) and former Rep. George Santos (R. NY) have been hired by the firms, owing, according to Evig attorney Philip Dust, to the “profound trust that Selleck and Santos have engendered with the public.”

Bill Tope