[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Workshops Planned to Keep GOP Convention Attendees Out of Trouble

Strip clubs historically a popular destination for the ‘family values’ crowd at GOP conventions

The GOP Convention is finally here, and lest you think it will be all business, rest assured there will be plenty of extracurricular activities on site to keep the adult ADHD delegates from wandering off into the night searching for their own brand of entertainment.

Workshops Planned to Keep GOP Convention Attendees Out of Adult Venues There are daily workshops planned throughout the Republican convention covering a plethora of subjects near and dear to conservatives’ hearts from immigration reform to how to legally steal an election.

While this may not be the news the adult entertainment folks down in Tampa want to hear, it will help to stem the growth of STDs that seem to be permeating the porn industry these days, allowing delegates to spend more time at the GOP convention and less time at the local free clinic.

“We’re killing two birds with one stone,” said top GOP adviser, Chip Hollingsworth. “We’re giving our folks some great information to take home with them while keeping them off the streets and out of the news.”

A brief slide show by Mitt Romney on his and Ann’s latest trip to the Cayman Islands is expected to be a standing room only event which will then lead into the many workshops offered that organizers hope will keep the attendees indoors.

Here is a rundown on all the workshops:

  • Joey Carmiglione, Bain Capital CPA – Taxes: Fuggeddaboutem
  • Gov Nikki Haley – Illegal Immigration Makes Me Sikh
  • Sen. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell – Are the Unemployed Making it Harder for You to Succeed?
  • Ann Coulter – Using Your Uterus to Win the Election
  • Paul Ryan – Rape: Get Over It Already
  • Rick Scott – Everything I Need to Know About Voter Suppression I Learned from Karl Rove
  • Marcus Bachmann, Ph.D (husband to Michele Bachmann) – Social Spending Keeping You Awake at Night? It Shouldn’t. How to Beat Insomnia.
  • Joe the Plumber – Plunging the Depths of Democracy
  • Herman Cain – Narcissism Ain’t Just the White Man’s Problem

Finishing off, Ted Nugent is slated to perform his newest song, Big Donations from the Aryan Nation.

Meanwhile, Joe Redner, owner of Mons Venus, the most popular strip club in Tampa, was asked if he’s at all disappointed that the GOP convention has a plan to keep their delegates closer to home this year, unlike past years.

“Nah,” said Joe with a smile. “While those sound like some really interesting workshops, if I know the delegates, nothing will keep them away from my Candi-dates.”

P. Beckert