[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Pat Robertson: ‘We Did It! We Prayed Away the Gay!’

‘We feared there were just too many gays in Tampa, but we out-prayed ’em,’ says televangelist Pat Robertson

Pat Robertson today, on his 700 Club TV show, declared that he and his followers had saved the Republican National Convention in Tampa Bay, Florida. If not for their strong efforts to “pray away the gay,” he said, Hurricane Isaac would surely have destroyed the city with biblical force.

Pat Robertson gives holy finger
Pat Robertson gives the holy finger to gays everywhere.

“You’re welcome, RNC,” he said into the camera. “Now, how about that speaking spot I asked about?”

“It’s no coincidence that the hurricane was named ‘Isaac,'” Robertson explained to his audience. “It means ‘He will laugh,’ and you know God would have laughed his ass off at us for being spiritual wimps, had we not pulled this off.”

“But I had faith in you, my followers, and now we will have the last laugh! Those heathen gays and voodoo doctors in New Orleans will pay again for their sins, while we will revel in our holy Republican convention, backed by God and the Koch brothers.”

Pat Robertson is infamous for his many pronunciations about gays and sinners bringing natural disasters and terrorist attacks on themselves and the nation, all because God does not approve of their behavior.

Later, frequent guest Jerry Falwell arrived on the show — in spirit form — via divine intervention. He told the audience that Americans should have an attitude of repentance before God. “I just came from a meeting with The Man himself, and He said to remind you all just how close He let the  hurricane come.”

“Yea, God Almighty spoke to me. And the Lord said to ask you: Just who do you think creates the weather? The Lord God above, that’s who,” said Falwell’s ghost.

“Oh, yeah, and He specifically told me to inform you all that the ACLU, abortionists, feminists, gays, and the People For the American way share the blame for Isaac — just as they did for Katrina. Oh, and mimes. God hates mimes.”

“Of course, Mitt Romney being a Mormon didn’t help,” replied Robertson. “If he were a proper Christian, I’m sure we would have been spared all this worry.”

“Good thing he picked Paul Ryan as his running mate,” replied Falwell. “God may yet deliver a Christian president. I don’t want to wish ill will on anyone, but hey, anything can happen, as we’ve seen.”

James Israel
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