Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even about the Kristi Noem ban, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Kristi Noem ban: she’s been disallowed from 20% of her state’s land

… And anywhere there’s a PetSmart.

50 Cent has been mercilessly trolling Diddy

It’s 50 versus 50 to life.

US Air Force releases first in-flight photos of B-21 Raider, newest nuclear stealth bomber

… So, a pic of an empty sky …

Obama stops by Biden’s lavish state dinner for Kenyan president

… Would’ve got a better seat with the Kenyan birth certificate.

‘Catholics watch games, too’: Catholic groups raise alarm after NFL stiff-arms Harrison Butker

What they don’t do is go to church.

Tristan Thompson suggests he and Khloe Kardashian should live together after paternity scandal

Let’s face it: these folks do not have lives they have ‘continued next weeks.’

McDonald’s has secret menu

Then, why use that crappy one?

Happy 83rd bday, Bob Dylan

I worry about Bob. If he had a stroke, how would anyone know?

Additional classified records found in Trump’s bedroom after Mar-a-Lago search

… Seems the only thing never spotted there is Melania.

Does drinking soy milk cause men’s breasts to grow bigger?

No, but asking the question makes you a bigger boob.

RFK Jr. got an endorsement from Kevin Spacey

He would’ve also had one from R Kelly, but well, with solitary.

Nikki Haley supports Trump

Nikki Haley is the Ron DeSantis of Bill Barrs.

Landscaper hits suspected robber with weedwhacker in northwest Houston

… Can’t wait for TV show: Lawn and Order.

Jealousy of porn actor led to murder attempt with golf club, LAPD says

… Bringing new meaning to the term ‘fore play.’

Rudy Giuliani belts out ‘New York, New York’ at 80th birthday and then is served with indictment

… Dude’s going from ‘New York, New York’ to Sing Sing.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)