Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Frank Darling, big shot Hollywood movie producer.
ANNOUNCER
From beautiful downtown Slenderville, Minnesota, it’s the Minnesota Nice Radio Show. And here’s your host Tommy Ellis.
TOMMY ELLIS
Welcome to the show. Today is excitin’ for me and the 200 plus citizens of our town. Last week, I got a call from Frank Darling. He’s a big shot Hollywood movie producer.
I wasn’t familiar with his films, because I don’t have what they call streamin’ channels. In my world, streamin’ is wadin’ in fishin’ boots up at Owl Creek catchin’ trout. The last movie I seen was Dumb and Dumber. I was cryin’ after them boys got rejected by the girl of their dreams. Reminded me when I asked Sally Larson out. I told her we’d be goin’ to the rodeo. The day I was supposed to pick her up, she called off the date. Said she didn’t have a good feelin’. To make matters worse, Sally called me the next day drunk and said, “Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d gotten enough oxygen at birth?”
FYI, Sally was run over by a moose in heat. Every time I see a pile of dung, I think of her. Karma by golly.
I have Frank Darling on the line.
Hello Frank.
FRANK DARLING
Nice to be with you, Tommy.
TOMMY
Are ya callin’ from Beverly Hills? Ain’t that where all you hoity-toity movie people live?
FRANK
How did you know?
TOMMY
I watch TV reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies. Hey. Can ya introduce me to Ellie May Clampett? I keep a picture of her under my pillow.
FRANK
No, no. You don’t understand. That show isn’t a documentary, it’s a comedy. Those are actors.
TOMMY
Actors? I must be out of it! Now ya got me worried. What if they close grocery stores and I have to hunt for food? I don’t even know where Little Debbie lives.
FRANK
Relax. I have connections if you move to LA. As a matter of fact, I got a janitor a job who decided to try his hand at directing. He’s billing himself as “the director who swept the Oscars.”
TOMMY
We have a little bit of Hollywood up here. I seen two high school boys eaten an old movie film. Heard one of them say to the other, “Pretty good, huh?” The second fella said, “Yeah, but not as good as the book.” They also swallowed their exam papers. I imagine sooner or later they will pass the test.
FRANK
We’re putting Slenderville on the map. My movie Rubes Gone Wild is going to be exciting, Tommy. I’m hiring the locals as Extras.
TOMMY
I know about extras. When I was born, the doctor told my mom I had somethin’ extra to offer the world. Then he circumcised me.
FRANK
I guess we have a failure to communicate.
TOMMY
That will learn ya.
FRANK
Have a favor to ask.
TOMMY
Go ahead.
FRANK
I have a crew coming from Hollywood and need some gophers.
TOMMY
(confused) Are ya sure? I mean…
FRANK
Absolutely. They keep the production moving along. As a matter of fact, I started my career as a gopher.
TOMMY
(laughs) Right. And I’m a badger. There’s a problem, Frank. Those rascals are hard to catch. I gotta trap em’.
FRANK
Trap? What are you talking about?
TOMMY
Gophers. They live underground.
FRANK
No. Gophers are guys or gals who do any job that needs to be done.
TOMMY
Oh, ya. Now I get it. An intern like the Monica Lewinsky girl.
FRANK
Well. Not exactly.
TOMMY
Ya know. When I was 21, I got an internship at a nudist camp.
FRANK
Interesting. Why there?
TOMMY
I needed exposure. Now I can look at myself in the mirror without laughing.
FRANK
Despite what you just told me, I’m loving Slenderville. It’s nice your high school graduates can keep their diplomas on their dashboard so they can park in handicap spaces.
TOMMY
Yep. I’m proud of my PHD. Public high school diploma. Producer Frank Darling. See ya tomorrow.
Minnesota Nice
(c) Dean B. Kaner
- Minnesota Nice Interviews Hollywood Producer Frank Darling - May 10, 2025
- Minnesota Nice Interviews Melanie the Frog, Kermit’s First Cousin - April 29, 2025
- Minnesota Nice Radio Show Interviews Smokey the Bear Jr. - April 23, 2025
