A blog of my special, badly needed timeout, kindly provided by the rebirth of Alcatraz.
By Charles Burress
Day 1. First day in my new digs, provided by the rebirth of Alcatraz.
Some say it’s cramped in here, but I find it cozy with the bunkbed and toilet taking up most of the room. And it has provided a bright spotlight on what I had hitherto perceived only dimly:
That social media is a treasure trove of imaginative minds bestowing entertaining claims that cavort far beyond the boundaries of sober, fun-squelching facts.
Consider the following comment, which some civic-minded soul posted on my social media account:
“You just wait – you’ll soon be cellmates with Mike Pence in President Trump’s re-established federal prison on Alcatraz!!!”
When I see this sort of thing, I grow giddy over the variety of opinions to be found in democracy’s big tent.
That post was probably a considerate heads-up about my impending fate, while its resemblance to reality rivals the artfulness of a painting by Salvador Dalí.
The dull truth is that Mike Pence is not my cellmate. He has private quarters here, since he was deemed to deserve special status, i.e., solitary confinement.
My cellmate is actually Dennis Smith, a mild-mannered, balding accountant who was reported to the White House by someone in his bridge club. He had recently repeated his often-expressed sentiment, “I wish there were no trumps.” Dennis believes trumps make bridge too dependent on luck.
I suspect the reason I’m here is a post I made on social media, a post that attracted the comment mentioned above. I wrote,
“The grift in the current White House makes the Teapot Dome Scandal look like a tempest in a teapot.”
I’m posting it again here to show how you too could be welcomed into this gated, secure community, where you can enjoy many amenities, which are nothing to sneeze at (unlike the minor problem of the mold, which is just a small price one pays for island living). We have 24-hour TV filled exclusively with the full range of amusements offered by Fox, and the library has hundreds of books, all copies of The Art of the Deal, which means you never have to wait for that instructive literary work.
Day 2. A surprise.
My attorney, Lenny, said, “You’ll be out in no time. I got us a court hearing tomorrow. And we’re suing the government for damages. You’ll end up not only rich but also a celebrity since we’re making you a national test-case.”
Day 3. A switcheroo.
The government lawyer told the judge that my civil rights are trumped by national security since I pose an imminent danger to public safety and Christian morals. Lenny leapt up, saying, “Your honor, I object!” But before he could say more, the judge declared, “Objection overruled! Court adjourned.”
We’ve quickly learned the importance of being nice to the judge who heard my case, Clytemnestra Gunn, a nail-polish stylist in Florida who increased her years of professional experience by the clever expedient of skipping law school. She’s a Trump appointee who happens to have 3 million followers on her viral podcast, “Semper Trump!”
She also sees this prison as her baby, and like any caring mother, wants her baby to grow, resulting in a steady diet of new inmates. No wonder that Trump, after issuing orders in early May to restore Alcatraz as a prison, anointed Gunn as head of his Red-Ribbon Alcatraz Prison Resurrection Commission.
You could call President Trump a one-man Habitat for Humanity. serving those in need of homes in penitentiaries. Who could have imagined that Donald Trump and Jimmy Carter would turn out to be like two peanuts in a pod?
Day 4. Sad news for my attorney.
Lenny’s law firm folded after being black-listed and banned from appearing in federal courts or entering federal facilities. Lenny was laid off.
Day 5. My attorney gets new role in court.
Lenny was back in court again this morning – as the defendant – facing vandalism charges after drowning his sorrows at a bar last night and scrawling “OINK!!!” with an erasable marker on every Tesla he stumbled upon.
Now he’s in a cell on the floor below me, having been disbarred and already convicted of multiple crimes by Judge Gunn.
“The judge added trumped-up charges to the vandalism charge,” Lenny said, “–slander and contempt of court.” Lenny’s defense was that writing “OINK!” on a Tesla is artistic free speech and not defamatory, adding that linking Tesla founder Elon Musk with a pig could be a compliment since pigs are “nearly as smart as humans, even more so in some cases.”
As Lenny spoke, he had the bad luck to be looking at Judge Gunn, who has a keen radar for imagined slights, thanks to her long experience as a target of malcontents. She sentenced Lenny immediately to indefinite detention on Alcatraz. Lenny objected, “But your Honor, there’s been no trial or verdict on my guilt or innocence.”
“Sentence first – verdict afterward!” Judge Gunn declared, employing a phrase she remembers from childhood as demonstrating the sort of things judges say.
Day 365. First annual report.
I’ve learned a lot in the past year, doing my part in the rebirth of Alcatraz — not the least of which is the true meaning of Lenny’s prediction, namely, that I’ll be out “in no time.”
- I Was There When JFK Appeared on ‘The Lead with Jake Tapper’ - July 6, 2025
- The Neanderthal - June 2, 2025
- Oxymoron Harmony - May 27, 2025
