Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Justice Department, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Justice Department tells American Bar Association it will no longer comply with ratings for judicial nominees

And will instead use the far more reliable Fox News Nielsen ratings.

Wrapping your teeth in aluminum foil might actually help you make them whiter!

And get free Wi-Fi.

Telescope takes pics of Dwarf Galaxy

Shouldn’t that be ‘Little People Galaxy?‬’

‘Eat the tariffs’ Trump tells Walmart

Interestingly, with the Chinese tariffs, an hour later they’ll be hungry to eat even more tariffs.

3 more escaped New Orleans jail inmates captured

… Would’ve gotten away with it if they hadn’t come back for beignets.

Elon Musk is not leaving Washington quietly

He’ll just back over it like a Tesla on autopilot.

TSA busts woman smuggling 81 pounds of weed

Somebody apparently didn’t totally understand the concept of the mile-high club.

Pete Davidson shows off his remaining bicep tattoos the day after red carpet debut with Elsie Hewitt

Well, he has a constitutional right to bare arms.

Morris, the alligator, known for Happy Gilmore and other films, dies around age 80

Now, that doesn’t sound like a bunch of croc …

Heat Magazine: No-one can believe these celebs have REAL breasts!

… While no one doubts Alec Baldwin and Kid Rock are celebs who are real giant boobs

Record number of Americans apply for British citizenship

They must’ve read the book ‘I’m UK — You’re UK.’

Happy 84th Bob Dylan. I do worry about Bob

If he had a stroke, how would we know?

Astronomers discover mysterious object firing strange signals at Earth every 44 minutes

Hmmm, it probably rhymes with ‘Jewish Space Lasers.’

Mexican singer Julión Álvarez says his visa was revoked ahead of sold-out Texas show

… Hey, Homeland Security, if you’re gonna be helpful at least do that with Nickleback …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)