[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Sen. Kennedy Casts Stones in His Own Glass House

Sen. John Kennedy questioned public health experts on the escalation of gun violence, a bit like throwing stones in a glass house.

On Tuesday at a Senate hearing on gun violence, Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA) imperiled his own glass house, questioning public health experts on the reason for the escalation of firearm violence.

John Kennedy glass house
Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA) asking more dumb questions, casting stones in his own glass house. Photo: C-SPAN, Public Domain.

He asked Dr. Megan Ranney, a Yale Professor, if the reason that Chicago, Illinois was “the nation’s largest outdoor shooting range” was the existence of “law-abiding citizens owning a gun for protection or perhaps for hunting.”

He dug at the dirt under his nails with a prodigious Buck knife. “Or,” he asked conversationally, was it due to a “finite, unique set of illegally-armed darkies?”

Ranney replied that everyone was law-abiding, “until they’re not,” and added that Kennedy’s home-state of Louisiana ranks far above Illinois in gun violence rates. She added that most mass shooters were, in fact, first-offenders and purchased their weapons legally.

Ranney went on to say that environmental factors, such as urban renewal and creation of green spaces, have been shown to have an effect on rates, decreasing them by as much as 12%.

Kennedy shook his large head ponderously and dismissed Ranney’s remarks as “word salad.” “I know,” he went on, “that it’s mostly in Democrat cities chock full of nigras where all the gun violence takes place.”

When Ranney said she’d stake her reputation on her remarks, Kennedy cut her often a second time, saying that Ranney only got to be a Yale professor through “a woke affirmative action program prevalent in the Ivy League.”

Kennedy then moved to pause the hearing for a “potty break.” He sat back calmly picking his nose.

Bill Tope
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