Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about “The Gospel of Jesus’ Wife,” doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The Gospel of Jesus’ Wife: Unraveling ancient texts and speculation

The word is, CBS is thinking of making it into a series from the Producers of ‘How I Met Your Mother’ called ‘How I Met Your Martyr.’

McDonald’s came out with a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese McGriddle sandwich

I wonder whether McGriddles should come with a coupon for McGirdles.

Are you seeing more scorpions skittering about? What you should know

Well, I hear they sizzle in bed; but Pisces should think twice about long-term relationships.

Netanyahu nominated Trump for Nobel Peace Prize

… Like members of the Donner Party nominating Dahmer for the James Beard Award.

Researchers may have found King Alfred’s pelvis

… Which, I assume will improve his dance moves.

CEO of X resigned

… No word if Grok did not NAZI that coming.

Binge drinking vs. critical thinking

I say, let’s have a kegger and discuss it!

King Charles snubs his estranged son Prince Harry as he honors Prince William during emotional speech

This week on Royal Family Feud …

2-faced cat dies at 15

… Ending speculation of a career in politics.

Texas AG Ken Paxton’s wife just biblically knee-capped him in divorce filling as he runs for Senate: “In light of recent discoveries”

Don’t even think about it, Pete Davidson.

Happy 69th birthday Tom Hanks

Run, Forrest, run … to get up to pee in the middle of the night.

Dr. Phil’s television company files Chapter 11 bankruptcy

Hmmm, Dr. Phil’s company went bankrupt? Sounds like he plans to put his name out there as next Fed Chair.

Luka Dončić has reportedly dropped 20-30 pounds

Although it maybe ends up being even more when he gets back to the U.S. … because of the tariffs.

Kash Patel and Dan Bongino are threatening to resign from the FBI after feuding with Attorney General Pam Bondi over the Epstein debacle

Oh, c’mon guys, why fight? Everybody, just quit!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)