[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Gym Jordan Fails Spectacularly in Pursuit of Speakership

Rep. Jim Jordan fails to gain House Speakership, as the Republican sh*t show rambles on.

Rep. Jim Jordan (R. OH) failed in his benighted quest for Speakership of the U.S. House of Representatives, being finally unceremoniously dropped after a third failed vote on Oct. 20th, when 25 House Republicans voted against him. Jordan’s second attempt for the position fell 22 votes short in a tally conducted on Wednesday; the day before, he garnered 20 less than the 217 required for election.

Jim Jordan wanted House Speakership
Jim Jordan rehearsing for House Speakership. By Gage Skidmore, flickr.com, CC BY-SA 2.0.

Jordan, representing Ohio’s 4th congressional district since 2007, has a colorful congressional history, though an undistinguished legislative one. He served on the Benghazi investigative committee in 2015, where he memorably led the questioning of Hillary Clinton for eleven hours, relentlessly badgering the then-presidential candidate. He is accused of having festooned Clinton’s chair in the hearing room with a whoopie cushion. Jordan has denied the charge.

Jordan is co-founder of the Freedom Caucus, an agglomeration of hard-right House members devoted to the sexual subjugation of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R. GA) and Rep. Lauren Boebert (R. CO). Both women are said to be “Alright with it.” Jordan is presently chairman of both the House Oversight Committee and the Judiciary Committee, where he is up to “assorted mischief.”

He has, conversely, successfully sponsored zero legislation in his 16-year legislative career. Former speaker and fellow-Ohioan John Boehner has characterized Jordan as a “legislative terrorist,” who tears things down but “never creates anything.”

Jordan has his boosters, however: Rep. Tom Cole (R. OK) has said that Jordan is “Number one on border security.” Jordan did co-sponsor a bill which would have outfitted border agents with high-powered assault weapons and hand grenades. The legislation stalled in committee. Cole added that Jordan has fixed his sights on the “drivers of the federal debt: Social Security. Medicare and Medicaid.”

Jordan’s website boasts that the Ohio congressman has a 100% rating from the American Conservative Union, which has touted that Jordan will, “Thankfully, balance the budget on the backs of the sick, the elderly, and the poor underclasses…”

Other, non-political controversy has beleaguered Jordan. In 2018 a scandal broke, alleging that during his tenure as an Ohio State University wrestling coach (1986-1994) Jordan was aware of sexual abuse of male wrestlers by the team doctor, yet made no move to intervene. Again, Jordan has denied the allegations.

Speaking out at the time the scandal was disclosed, Jordan candidly remarked that “I knew I should have studied medicine and not the law.” Long foremost amongst MAGA supporters and Trump acolytes, Jordan was lionized by the ex-president this week, when Trump said that “Jim Jordan is against socialized medicine, against women’s healthcare, and is unequivocally for me; what more could anyone want?” Trump, speaking from his temporary cell in Fulton County, Georgia, has personally endorsed Jordan for the speakership.

In Other News

In an unrelated story, the Unified Republican Caucus (URC) held their annual costume ball at Trump International Hotel Washington on Tuesday night, one day prior to its sale to CGI Merchant Group and Hilton Corp. Guests were decked out in colorful garb: Lauren Boebert came dressed as Cruella Deville; Marjorie Taylor Greene as Hulk Hogan; and Matt Gaetz as John Wayne Gacy. Ex-president Trump, wearing a dunce cap, was costumed as a graduate of Trump University. And Jim Jordan, in a junkyard dog getup, told reporters that he had opted not to don a costume for the occasion.

Bill Tope
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