Today I Changed My Horoscope Sign! - Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

My horoscope sign is no longer on the Cusp, I can now eat Gluten & Dairy without any blowback!

Yes, today I changed my Horoscope Sign! You can do it on your Birthday, you know!

It’s like changing your Health Insurance Plan – but you have to wait for ‘Open Season’!

But, I don’t read ’em!

I figure if the doctors can change an ‘Outie to an Innie’ – we can certainly change our Horoscope Sign. As far as I’m concerned, every day – I’m born again!

Yeah, today’s my Birthday. And, yes I’m a Cancer. A disease! Right!

No wonder I whisper it.

Don’t you think it’s fair to have another disease out of the other 11 Signs! You know – Aries, Virgo, Leo….Leprosy?

And, I never went in for that ‘What’s your Sign’ crap in dating. You say the wrong sign & it’s worse than being a Republican!

But, I must say I love to go to Bars & say I’m a Virgin! If only for the hysteria!

I put Daily Horoscopes in the same category as Ouiji Boards, Seance’ & Palm Readers – after you listen to their advice, you want to wash your hands with Purell!

That’s right – once I brought back Uncle Louie & I don’t even have one!

An off-shoot of Horoscopes is frigin’ Birthstones according to the Zodiac – otherwise knows as a QVC Wet Dream!

Pfft, if I want a Sapphire – I know what to do to get one! haha

Fortune Cookies are just as bad. You should see me in a Chinese Restaurant – well, maybe you shouldn’t!

If I don’t like ‘my fortune’ – I can switch Cookies around the table faster than they can boil Minute Rice!

They don’t?

Then how come I get my Order before the Waiter goes in the kitchen?

I don’t know if you noticed, but the Chinese need a whole new set of Writers!

Pfft ‘Your Wish Will Come True’!

I don’t think so – I’m still getting the Check, aren’t I?

They’re afraid to be direct – so they communicate thru their Baked Goods:

‘It is better to have a Hen tomorrow than an Egg today’!

I knew I shouldn’t have ordered the Fried Rice!

And, what is this ‘Year of the Monkey’ deal?

They’re not trying to hint at what’s in the Egg Rolls, are they?

Hey, is this article about Astrology or what? Stay on point, would ya!

Give me a break…today’s Horoscope said I was ‘Indecisive’!

I swear – I don’t read ’em!

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Marilyn Sands

Marilyn Sands is a former 80's Stand-Up Comic & Comic Booker. Sold Jokes to Joan Rivers & lesser lights. Was up one night & wrote 2 Madcap Screenplays & a Stage Play. Her hilarious book "CAN YOU PEE OUTDOORS" On-Line Dating Straight Lines is on amazon.com/dp/1733487409And, "OWNING THE STAGE, RENTING THE BALLS"!My Life as a Funny Girlis on amazon.com/dp/1733487417"Living proofyou don't have to be a success to write a Memoir"!And yes, this bio is my OBIT too!haha