‘We could never agree to compromise on our own. Thank the Mayan prophecy,’ says president
The end of the world by drought and flood, caused by global warming, wasn’t enough of a threat. Neither, apparently, was a Middle East Armageddon-style nuclear annihilation. But the end of the world this December 21st, as foretold by the Mayan prophecy, apparently did the trick.
Leaders of both parties announced today that they have reached agreements on all of the previously intractable issues.
“We just got so used to opposing each other, no matter what, that we lost sight of what’s important,” said Harry Reid, Democratic Senate Majority Leader. “Although it will be difficult not to continue to follow our instincts right into oblivion.”
For starters, the budget will be fixed by increases on taxes on the wealthy, along with smart cuts in spending, mostly in the military.
“We finally realized that such a bloated military would do us no good if the world ended,” said John Boehner, Republican Speaker of the House.
“It turns out what really scared the hell out of us was the Mayan prophecy, not the fiscal cliff,” said Boehner. “Suddenly, coddling the super-rich just to secure political office on this earthly plane seemed so lame,” added the Orange One, tears filling his eyes.
In fact, part of the Mayan prophecy actually refers to an important figure of these times as “The Orange One, who cries like a baby girl.”
Another part of the Mayan prophecy refers to “the man many will call a ‘Secret Muslim.'” According to this portion of the sacred text, the “powerful man” is actually a “Secret Mayan,” and the text relates that, “we here creating this Calendar for the Ages laugh at the thought of the future Tea people thinking he’s a Muslim born in Kenya. After all, everyone knows he is to be born in the heart of Mayan country, the future Mexico — just like his opponent in 2012, the Mormon.”
The sacred text continues: “The leader of the free world must be a Mayan at this time, and since even our great Prophecy cannot tell whether dishonest forces will be able to rig future elections, both major candidates must be born of ancient Mayan blood.”
While many people know Mitt Romney’s grandfather lived in Mexico, most are not aware that for one of his many wives, he took a Mayan descendent.
In other historic agreements, it was decided that GMOs will be phased out, “if there’s time,” due to their potentially catastrophic consequences to the global food supply.
A huge investment in renewable energy has been agreed upon as well, including the phasing out of fossil fuels and an immediate halt to fracking. “We’ll need clean water to drink, we realized, after thinking it through,” said Senator Reid.
It wasn’t all love and harmony in Washington, however. Jim DeMint (R-SC), a member of the Senate Tea Party Caucus, tried to start a filibuster to stop the process, saying, “This is just a United Nations trick to take over the world! God will punish all unbelievers!” Just then a crack in the Senate floor opened and swallowed him up.
“That’s when we really saw the light,” said Reid.
The president spoke to reporters in the Rose Garden this morning. “It is with great pride that I announce these historic agreements,” said Mr. Obama, “and we can only hope that we’ve extracted our collective heads out of the proverbial sand in time.”
“May the great Mayan Gods have mercy on our souls,” he said. “Oh yeah, that’s right: I’m Mayan, you idiots!”