[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

With Chávez Gone, Venezuela’s Elite Promise Freedom at Last

Venezuela’s most vulnerable citizens hope for return to ‘good old days’

The prosperous families in Venezuela have been waiting for this for a long time. Finally, the tyrant is dead, and the people who really know about freedom can unleash it upon the waiting masses of long-suppressed rich folk.

Hugo Chavez, Venezuela“We’ve been so hamstrung by that four-time democratically elected dictator. His administration treated us like regular, lowly citizens,” said Globovision TV network owner Guillermo Zuloaga.

“Clearly, he disrespected us, and tried to restrict our freedom to use our huge stashes of money and TV networks to overthrow him,” he said.

Opposition forces against Hugo Chávez in Venezuela have long accused him of stealing from the rich to give to the poor. For example, shortly after his first election in July of 2000, he nationalized the oil program, allowing foreign oil companies to have a mere 70% of the profits. This, down from a reasonable 85%.

“Chávez had the temerity to use that money to help the masses of people that elected him,” said Gustavo Cisneros, owner of another opposition network, Venevisión. “Can you believe it? Just handing over the wealth that me and my friends had worked so hard to concentrate into the hands of the responsible class.”

“Imagine,” he added, “just giving people health care, housing and, worst of all, education! That would never happen in America. We had to work hard for these things, but all the poor did was diddle around on our plantations for sixteen hours a day.”

When Zuloaga and friends’ US-backed coup against this popularly-elected dictator failed in 2002, he could not understand it.

“How can these masses of people be fooled, when all our private TV stations are constantly bombarding them with shows that demonize the tyrant? Do they really value their insignificant food, housing, medicine and education gains above our titillating news coverage?” he asked, umbrella-topped cocktail in hand, lounging by his Olympic-sized pool, pointing across the valley to a shantytown visible in the distance.

“Americans agree with us, especially those informed viewers of Fox, our sister network over there,” said Zuloaga, “despite his despicable attempts to win sympathy by helping poor people avoid freezing to death.”

“And even the holiest of Americans, Reverend Pat Robertson, who preaches the gospel of peace, called for him to be summarily executed, just like Jesus would have.”

Chávez had already named a successor, Vice-President Nicolás Maduro, to take his place. But the responsible elite of Venezuela are expected to launch another, more successful democratic coup, to replace him with a proper leader who will restore freedom once again. At least, to those who can afford it.

James Israel
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