[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Ted Cruz Re-enacts Own Version of Sermon on the Mount

Holy filibuster! It’s Ted Cruz, again!

Ted Cruz, emboldened by his 21 hour filibuster, has taken a spot on the steps of the House of Representatives this morning to re-enact his version of Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. Though this re-enactment is an obvious violation of the concept of separation between church and state, Cruz has already crossed that boundary by kneeling in prayer in front of the White House last week.

Ted Cruz sermon on the mountCruz’ sermon is not expected to last quite as long as his filibuster, but, being a man of many words, Cruz is expected to pray at least until he is either asked to leave, or has to empty his bladder, whichever comes first. However, it is suspected that to assure his ability to pray non-stop, the gentleman from Texas will have a small catheter inserted in his pee-pee.

Some of the sermon has been leaked by a not-so-faithful aide, and it is printed here to give you an idea just how close to the Sermon on the Mount Rep. Cruz comes when addressing his fellow lawmakers.

The Sermon begins as follows:

My fellow Republicans, just as Jesus started his sermon without further adieu, I will do so as well…Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, not the righteousness we think is righteousness, but you know, the righteousness I’ve been talking about now for about a week or so, that kind of righteousness;

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, i.e. me and a few of my colleagues, ‘cause we are definitely gonna get the kingdom in the end, you’ll see;

Blessed is me when they insult and persecute me, because I don’t deserve it, number one, and number two, bully on you because eventually I’ll win and might even eventually be voted in as Speaker of the House because, let’s face it, I do speak kind of well;

Don’t think I’ve come here to strike down and abolish the law, well, actually I am here to abolish Obamacare, but I have never accepted the fact that that law is legal even though it may have been passed in both Houses and affirmed by the Supreme Court, what I don’t get is how they did it and so, in my mind, yeah, I guess I have come here to strike down and abolish Obamacare…;

This gives you a feel for what Cruz will be harping on for the next several hours. He is expected to touch on the issues of meekness, something about being the salt of the earth, and time permitting, the Ten Commandments.

According to the errant aide, Cruz also will include a writing about himself in the form of Dr. Seuss, a part of which is as follows:

I stood in the House on that nice sunny day,
I asked all my colleagues if they wanted to play,
I stood there with Chambliss, Cornyn, and Blunt,
They all were behind me and my little stunt…

The sermon continues today, and will be reported on further upon its conclusion. In the meantime, don’t expect any real issues to be resolved by Congress in the coming days such as tougher gun laws or adequate funding for education for our youth, as Cruz and his band of disciples are determined to bring their message to their own mount, i.e. Capitol Hill.

P. Beckert