[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Ted Cruz Found Sobbing in Basement of D.C. Mexican Restaurant

“I don’t think I can ever face my colleagues again” — Sen. Ted Cruz

Sources say that when Sen. Ted Cruz found out today he had single-handedly taken down the Republican Party instead of the Democratic Party, the news caught him off guard. So much so that when it came time for him to vote on a measure in the Senate to keep the government open temporarily and raise the debt ceiling, he was nowhere to be found.

Ted Cruz CryingHis friend, Jim DeMint, President of the Heritage Foundation and former U.S. Representative and Senator from South Carolina, finally located Cruz just as the House was getting ready to vote on the Senate measure. The measure was expected to win easily in the House, something Cruz was wont to deny.

“C’mon, Ted, it’s time to get yourself up, brush yourself off, and start all over again,” sang DeMint to a bemused and befuddled Cruz, lying in a corner of the Washington Mexican restaurant where just days before, he was boasting of taking over the White House majority and letting the government default on its bills.

“I let you down, I let Charlie and Dave down [referring to the Koch Brothers], heck I just about let everyone down, I guess,” said Cruz.

“I don’t think I can ever face my colleagues again,” sobbed Cruz, wiping a tear from his eye, but tapping his toe just the same to DeMint’s catchy rendition of the Sinatra song, “Pick Yourself Up.”

“Sure you can,” responded DeMint. “Oh, they might be a little bit mad at you for a couple of days, but before you know it, you’ll be right back on top, back on top in June, or maybe sooner,” DeMint said as he launched into another feel-good song by Frank Sinatra (“That’s Life”) to cheer up his little buddy from Texas.

“So whaddaya say, Ted?” said DeMint as he handed his buddy an embroidered hankie.

“You ready to get up on your feet and get back over to Capitol Hill and see what we can do to start salvaging our Party before we get trashed too badly?

“S-s-s-sure, Jim,” said a happier Cruz, as the two politicians came out of the basement, arms locked together, singing Cruz’ favorite Sinatra tune, “High Hopes.”

P. Beckert