Journal entry: February 20, 2009 (age 39) – Words as Weapons
The only political issue I’m something of a radical about is gun control. (I’m very for it. So shoot me.) But I still need to make a buck like everybody else. So in my home office I’ve been working on an until-now secret project to replace guns with another weapon that’s been talked about for years, but has never been used in the field. I’m preparing a presentation of my findings for the research and development teams at Lockheed Martin, BAE Systems, and several other local defense contractors.
My idea? Use words as weapons. Literally. As a prototype, I have retooled a flamethrower and a Selectric typewriter and combined them into a “letter thrower,” a powerful launcher of typographic characters. With some practice, I believe I can eventually fire off the letters in a logical order, and even string together complex sentences into a hailstorm of verbal ammo.
But what individual letters would have the added value of causing the most physical pain if they pierced enemy flesh? If I can identify a delta force of letters, numbers and symbols that would cause extreme damage when impacting at high speeds, I can then select phrases with a preponderance of those characters.
Here are some ideas generated by my preliminary research:
- “A” would supply a pleasing arrowhead effect, and would accelerate well because of its sleek, aerodynamic design.
- “l” would make Vlad the Impaler a very happy undead man.
- “Q” is a mixed bag. The uppercase would hit like a Civil War musket ball — which is good, but amateur. But the lowercase “q” would be an extremely effective weapon because of that little hook thing at the bottom. Ouch.
- “?” has an unknown effect, except when it comes at the end of a deeply probing question.
- “∞” might not hurt so much going in, but the pain would go on and on. Like the Golf Channel.
- “W” is my go-to girl. There’s no way that thing’s not gonna hurt.
- “π” in the face wouldn’t hurt — but it’d be funny and humiliating, which is always a great combo.
- “b” isn’t an obvious winner, but in my weapons tests it makes a really cool sound when it hits. The only thing I can compare the sound to is Bowser from Sha Na Na hitting a powerful bass note while experiencing severe abdominal pain.
The conflicts of the 21st century will be fought with the tools of the information age. To play my part as a patriot, I will not rest until I have brought these alphabet projectiles to bear in the coming wars of words.