Lost Journal: What if Words Really Were Weapons?

Journal entry: February 20, 2009 (age 39) – Words as Weapons

The only political issue I’m something of a radical about is gun control.  (I’m very for it.  So shoot me.)  But I still need to make a buck like everybody else.  So in my home office I’ve been working on an until-now secret project to replace guns with another weapon that’s been talked about for years, but has never been used in the field.  I’m preparing a presentation of my findings for the research and development teams at Lockheed Martin, BAE Systems, and several other local defense contractors.

My idea?  Use words as weapons.  Literally.  As a prototype, I have retooled a flamethrower and a Selectric typewriter and combined them into a “letter thrower,” a powerful launcher of typographic characters.  With some practice, I believe I can eventually fire off the letters in a logical order, and even string together complex sentences into a hailstorm of verbal ammo.

But what individual letters would have the added value of causing the most physical pain if they pierced enemy flesh?  If I can identify a delta force of letters, numbers and symbols that would cause extreme damage when impacting at high speeds, I can then select phrases with a preponderance of those characters.

Here are some ideas generated by my preliminary research:

  • “A” would supply a pleasing arrowhead effect, and would accelerate well because of its sleek, aerodynamic design.
  • “l” would make Vlad the Impaler a very happy undead man.
  • “Q” is a mixed bag. The uppercase would hit like a Civil War musket ball — which is good, but amateur.  But the lowercase “q” would be an extremely effective weapon because of that little hook thing at the bottom.  Ouch.
  • “?” has an unknown effect, except when it comes at the end of a deeply probing question.
  • “∞” might not hurt so much going in, but the pain would go on and on.  Like the Golf Channel.
  • “W” is my go-to girl.  There’s no way that thing’s not gonna hurt.
  • “π” in the face wouldn’t hurt — but it’d be funny and humiliating, which is always a great combo.
  • “b” isn’t an obvious winner, but in my weapons tests it makes a really cool sound when it hits.  The only thing I can compare the sound to is Bowser from Sha Na Na hitting a powerful bass note while experiencing severe abdominal pain.

The conflicts of the 21st century will be fought with the tools of the information age.  To play my part as a patriot, I will not rest until I have brought these alphabet projectiles to bear in the coming wars of words.

Tim Mollen
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