[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Hobby Lobby on Birth Control Investments: ‘The Devil Made Me Do It’

The company may be heavily invested in the very thing it refuses to give its female employees, but it’s “not my fault,” says Hobby Lobby, corporate person, in an interview.

In the fallout after the Supreme Court decision last week that allows Hobby Lobby to opt out of health coverage for its employees’ birth control, some dare accuse this pious company of hypocrisy. The Court’s decision says a corporation can hold “sincere religious beliefs” and should be able to act on them.

hobby lobby
Interviewing the corporate person, Hobby Lobby.

But Mother Jones broke the story months before the decision was even handed down: Hobby Lobby is heavily invested in the very birth control it refuses to give to its female employees.

Not only that, it buys most of what it sells from Chinese companies that force birth control on their female employees. Oh, and those same companies basically force their workers into virtual slave labor.

But that’s immaterial, says Hobby Lobby, which as a corporate “person,” can speak for itself.

In a one-on-one interview with the corporation, this reporter asked about the apparent contradiction.

“So?” answered Hobby Lobby. “So what? I mean, big deal. Gee whiz,” it answered, apparently loathe to use any actual swear words.

I held the mic up closer to the corporate logo on the door at the main office in Oklahoma City. “I love God, and so does my CEO and founder, David Green. That’s what matters. David brings me to church with him every Sunday — he keeps my corporate charter papers right there there in his vest pocket, next to his God-fearing heart.”

“So you believe strongly that contraceptives are wrong, Mr. Lobby?” I asked.

“Yes,” came the reply, in a clear, steady voice, emanating directly from the logo. “I do. I pray every night, after the last one out locks my doors, that my female employees will see the light. They should only have sex to create more babies, to raise as workers for me, as God intended.”

Later, I spoke to company CEO David Green, who said, “The company and I didn’t know about the investments. Obviously, it was a trick of the devil. Satan is very clever, as you know. He hid that stuff in the details — you’ve heard that the devil’s in the details, right?”

Asked whether the company would divest, now that Lucifer’s trickery had been exposed, Green answered, “Well, we’ll see. After all, Satan could be just setting us up for something worse. And besides, we already won the case, so all the godless heathen who doubted us can go to hell, anyway.”

Hobby Lobby also contracts with Chinese manufacturers for most of the goods it sells. Will the company be looking to work with different sellers, perhaps other corporate persons who share its “sincerely held religious beliefs”? Maybe they could find others to work with, sitting near them in the pews?

“The companies we work with in China, let me tell you, they are repentant. They’ve sworn that to me, on a virtual Bible we emailed them. They want to do better, but you know, Satan is even stronger over there, so it’s hard. We have to be patient — Jesus told me so.”

“One corporate person we work with over there is a mother, who is about to give birth to a new company,” Green continued. “She assured me she’s never used any corporate contraceptives, so the infant, newly incorporated, will be unblemished in the eyes of the Lord, and in the eyes of His dedicated servant, the Supreme Court. Hallelujah!”

James Israel
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