[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Laxative and Lethal Injections: USA’s Very Messy Mess

Boring lethal injections vs ‘exciting’ firing squad – America must choose, says judge

In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Alan Kontreverski, the U.S. 9th Circuit Court Chief Judge, stated that a firing squad could be the “messy and exciting” alternative that the US is “crying out for.”

guillotine, Lethal InjectionsAs you are probably all too aware, the current method of lethal injection has angered people across the nation, especially as the last needle used for the process was accidentally filled with liquidized laxative instead of sodium thiopental, the deadly substance regularly used.

Kontreverski’s declaration came in response to Tuesday’s botched lethal injection execution of 58-year-old George Jefferson in Arizona which took almost twenty-two hours. Jefferson was injected with what his lawyers termed as “the most lethal laxative imaginable,” and a witness said Jefferson looked like a “man shitting himself like it was an Olympic event.”

“Jefferson ended up dying from severe dehydration — that guy literally shit all his inner organs out! Lethal injections are an imprudent effort to mask the cruelty of executions by making them look tranquil and beautiful, but there’s nothing serene about watching a grown man soil himself vigorously,” stated Kontreverski, his fist pounding down on the office desk.

Composing himself, he continued, “If you cannot tolerate the splatter from an execution carried out by a firing squad, then you should move to the Netherlands, there’s no crime there. Those guys are too busy getting stoned and riding bicycles.”

There is a shortage of the key drug sodium thiopental, so numerous states are turning to uncertain, malicious and atrocious methods of killing their prisoners — like using experimental formulas containing contaminated McDonald’s meat and Red Bull — without telling the prisoner what’s in it. More disturbingly, many of the people administering these lethal injections aren’t even trained in the field of medicine.

“Last week a male masseuse delivered a lethal injection in Texas,” said Kontreverski.

Leaving many scratching their heads, Mr. Kontreverski finished by saying, “If shooting doesn’t float your boat, I personally think we should go back to the good old days of the guillotine, Game of Thrones has made it fashionable again.”