[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Local Woman Needs Button Replacements After Husband Wears Them Out

Doctor confirms spouse is likeliest to push your buttons and wear you out.

Marjorie Shuway is recovering nicely after a button transplant was performed throughout various parts of her body.

The Buttonectomy was the first of its kind done anywhere in the world, but doctors believe that once the word gets out about the success of the operation, many more women will be lining up for the procedure.

push your buttons“Normally, this would be a simple outpatient procedure,” said Dr. Kloitus, a self-described lifestyle-change surgeon who agreed to work on Mrs. Shuway at no cost.

“In Marjorie’s case, this was about the most extreme case of button pushing we’d ever seen. What with two teenage daughters, both of whom are quite popular in school, and a husband who still thinks that a woman’s place is in the home and refusing to help her out around the house, her patience has worn pretty thin of late. She needs a couple days’ rest in the hospital to help her adjust to having new buttons to push.”

Dr. Kloitus also said that she and another doctor are working on thickening up her patient’s patience as well, but will wait until she has fully recovered from the buttonectomy to perform that procedure.

Doctors claim the new buttons are computerized and will come ready to adapt to any situation.

“Say Marjorie asks her husband to take out the trash, and Jim (Shuway) tells his wife that he’ll do it after the game, like he does every Monday night during football season. All Marjorie has to do is switch to automatic override on her new button system, and voila, she is telling Jim that he will no longer be able to use that tired old excuse anymore and if he doesn’t take out the trash right away, his dinner the next night is going to be a non-issue.”

“We have created a manual that goes along with the button override full of situations and how to handle them,” said Dr. Hilary Ousenstein, co-inventor of the buttonectomy. Now, instead of Mrs. Shuway being taken advantage of by her family through no fault of her own (i.e. having a faulty and outdated button system), she has now been given the tools to handle every situation with total aplomb.”

So, now that buttonectomys are becoming all the rage with overworked wives and mothers, what is next for the lifestyle-change physicians?

“Well,” said Dr. Ousenstein, “we are actually working on a new personal GPS that will be implanted in the brain of women who are being pushed and pulled in all directions.”

The new GPS system, which has not yet been given a name, will self-right any woman who is feeling anything from being squeezed out of money for a new pair of the latest athletic shoes to trying to figure out how to get Katie to dance recitals at the same time Johnny has soccer practice.”

Drs. Kloitus and Ousenstein claim there are women lined around the block to have these new systems implanted into their bodies.

“Forget botox and tummy tucks,” said Ousenstein. “Getting and keeping control of familial situations is the wave of the future for many women.”

P. Beckert