Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/2/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Vivid Entertainment offered $1 Million for a Mama June and Sugar Bear sex tape

Damn, I’d rather watch Mama Cass and Yogi Bear.

Dish drops Fox News Channel and Fox Business

Leaving only Comedy Central for humor…

Dick Cheney: ‘I’d torture again in a second’

So, I guess he’s the one responsible for getting people into the theaters to see ‘The Interview.’

Snooki is down to 99 pounds just two months after giving birth

Just 99 more to go, Snookers, and you’ll make everyone happy.

Ben Carson: ‘I feel fingers’ of God touching me, telling me to run in 2016′

Or, maybe, you shouldn’t have had that wine with Bill Cosby.

Big-rig with 44,000 pounds of Miller High Life beer stolen from truck stop

This is one crime that’s sure to turn out to be a real pisser.

Rush Limbaugh says Idris Elba shouldn’t play James Bond because he’s black

Rush Limbaugh’s black? Oh wait, I read that wrong.

Kim Kardashian wears a sexy latex dress

If anyone needs to be wrapped in a full body condom, she’s the one.

Clint Eastwood is officially divorced

No word if it was because his wife caught him flirting with a ‘love seat.’

Mormon Church endorses housing, employment protections for LGBT people

Soon, they’ll allow marriage between a man and a man and a man…

Tim Burton, Helena Bonham Carter ending their 13 year relationship

No word if it’s because his Wood had ED.

Former teammate: ‘Cowboy’s DeMarco Murray had affair with my wife’

This could never happen on the Raiders, those guys can’t score anywhere.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)