Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Vivid Entertainment offered $1 Million for a Mama June and Sugar Bear sex tape
Damn, I’d rather watch Mama Cass and Yogi Bear.
Dish drops Fox News Channel and Fox Business
Leaving only Comedy Central for humor…
Dick Cheney: ‘I’d torture again in a second’
So, I guess he’s the one responsible for getting people into the theaters to see ‘The Interview.’
Snooki is down to 99 pounds just two months after giving birth
Just 99 more to go, Snookers, and you’ll make everyone happy.
Ben Carson: ‘I feel fingers’ of God touching me, telling me to run in 2016′
Or, maybe, you shouldn’t have had that wine with Bill Cosby.
Big-rig with 44,000 pounds of Miller High Life beer stolen from truck stop
This is one crime that’s sure to turn out to be a real pisser.
Rush Limbaugh says Idris Elba shouldn’t play James Bond because he’s black
Rush Limbaugh’s black? Oh wait, I read that wrong.
Kim Kardashian wears a sexy latex dress
If anyone needs to be wrapped in a full body condom, she’s the one.
Clint Eastwood is officially divorced
No word if it was because his wife caught him flirting with a ‘love seat.’
Mormon Church endorses housing, employment protections for LGBT people
Soon, they’ll allow marriage between a man and a man and a man…
Tim Burton, Helena Bonham Carter ending their 13 year relationship
No word if it’s because his Wood had ED.
Former teammate: ‘Cowboy’s DeMarco Murray had affair with my wife’
This could never happen on the Raiders, those guys can’t score anywhere.