Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to!
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
‘Women On 20s’ wants a woman to replace Andrew Jackson on 20 dollar bill
Yeah, but, with a woman on the 20, it would be worth only 77% or $15.40.
Ringling Brothers to get rid of Elephant acts
Which means the guy cleaning up behind them can no longer say, ‘what and leave show business?’
Harrison Ford crash lands vintage plane on golf course, survives
Vintage? I assume that means his flight came with a meal and no added charge for extra carry-on luggage.
Researchers study 15,000+ penises to determine average lengths around the world
Although, keep in mind, some of the evidence was circumcisional.
Two arrested in White House security incidents: Secret Service
Seems they got closer to the Oval Office than Mitt Romney ever will.
India: 400 men cut off their testicles to ‘get closer to God’ following advice from ‘guru’
Now, that takes a lot of balls.
150-pound mountain lion caught roaming at Temecula Mall
Although, it remains the natural habitat of the suburban cougar.
Alan Greenspan’s celebrates his 89th birthday
Ironically, interest was low.
Putin says Russian military might has no match
Guessing he has yet to try Tinder.
Donald Trump says he’s serious about running for Prez
Polls show he’ll get 100% of the vote from comedy writers.
Theater evacuated after drunk woman vomits at ‘Fifty Shades’ showing
Man, everyone’s a critic.
Presidential contender Ben Carson says prison inmates prove homosexuality is a choice
Look for the show, ‘Attica is the new Fire Island.’