Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today, and my first thoughts:
McDonald’s says ‘Minions’ toy is not cursing
The same cannot be said for customers trying to order at their drive-thrus.
Michigan denies request for Kid Rock concert at women’s prison
No word if it was on the grounds of cruel and unusual punishment.
Bill Cosby admits to getting Quaaludes in 2005
No word, if he also admitted to having 8 track tapes, a pet rock, a mo-ped and the high score for ‘Pong.’
Serena wins 6th Wimbledon, 21st Grand Slam title
Serena Williams now has more Grand Slams than the breakfast shift at Denny’s.
Speed dating booth set up at Comic Con
That way people who never get laid can find out who they won’t be having sex with even quicker.
In Spain it’s time for the running of the bulls
While in Washington DC, it’s always time for the running of the bullshitters.
Microsoft plans major layoffs
Maybe, if they just turn the power in their HQ off and then on, afterwards, everybody will still be working.
Ted Cruz: ‘I Salute Donald Trump’
Makes sense, like most of what Trump sells, Ted, you, too, were made in a foreign country.
Subway and Jared Fogle have agreed to suspend their relationship
Wondering if when the FBI raided Jared’s home, instead of a warrant, they used a coupon.
Disney to remove Bill Cosby statue from theme park
Ironically, it’s because he was slipping women a Mickey.
John Stamos enters rehab
Because, nothing says you’ve hit ‘rock bottom’ like agreeing to do a ‘Full House’ reunion show.
Tension increases between Russia and its neighbors
Hey, Russia, leave the Palins alone.
Happy 75th birthday, Ringo Starr
Well, from everyone, except Pete Best.
Cassidy Gifford doesn’t love wine as much as mom Kathy Lee
Let’s face it, Ernest and Julio Gallo don’t love wine as much as Kathy Lee.