The News (Really) Bytes: July 2015 in Review

An irreverent review of the news for July

Buddhists show their deep belief in the teachings of their saint — Buddha — by murdering and repressing the ethnic Muslims in Myanmar.

news bytesTurkey, coming to the aid of the U.S. and other nations battling ISIS in the Middle East decide to drop a few bombs on the Kurds in their own country as well. (The Kurds have proven to be the best fighters against Isis, but the Turkish government is leery of their success.) The Turkish explain, “Ah, we just had a few bombs left over and didn’t want to waste them.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin, an expert on the subject of international ethics, has stated that FIFA President Sepp Blatter should get the Nobel Prize. He apparently also believes that Stalin was the Son of God. Of course, Blatter winning the Peace Prize would make Russia look better to for the 2018 World Cup, given to Russia courtesy of Blatter.

Tom Brady, trying to up the bar of professional athletes getting away with all crimes including murder, feels that the fact he must sit out four games next year is unfair. But deflating a football to win the Super Bowl apparently isn’t.

Russia, in another show of an amazing sense of ethics vetoes the U.N. bill establishing a tribunal to look into Russian separatists accused of downing the Malaysian plane over Ukraine that killed all on board. It seems “Nyet” is the only word they use these days.

ISIS, in its efforts to destroy ancient artifacts, accidentally burns a stack of 6th century Korans. Embarrassed Jihadists do the right thing and blow themselves up. The right thing for them and for us.

It is a good thing Greek yogurt is popular in America now otherwise their economy would tank entirely.

John Kerry and his advisers who have worked very hard on a deal with Iran to limit their nuclear powers have been criticized by Republicans who have worked very hard on their deals with arms manufacturers to keep their side incomes intact. Also by Israeli President Netanyahu who has worked very hard to make the whole world revolve around Israel.

Mexican drug lord “Chapo” Guzman manages to break out of a high security prison. OJ Simpson has written him asking for explicit instructions on how he did that.

A Minnesota dentist who shot the star lion of Zimbabwe has gone into hiding. Animal lovers are seeking to remove his teeth one at a time without using Novocain.