The Pope is coming: How to be prepared
- Pay a visit to your local Planned Parenthood for a new prescription for birth control pills.
- While you’re there, have the abortion you’ve been putting off.
- Have protected sex with multiple partners of different religions, races, and genders.
- Stay home and masturbate.
- Visit the Museum of Natural History’s exhibit on evolution.
- Research and Instagram your city’s five best lox-on-a-bagel-with-a-schmeer.
- Get a jump start on building your sukkah.
- Confess your mortal sins to a Protestant minister.
- Knock down half a dozen beers in The Cock, a rock and sleaze fag bar, dressed in drag.
- Build a giant border wall with Donald Trump at the Mexican border.
- Avoid masses of Latino immigrants, or masses of any kind.
- Make a pilgrimage to the Vatican in Rome — no lines to get into the Sistine Chapel!
- Lip sync John Lennon in a karaoke bar: “I don’t believe in Jesus. I just believe in me.”
- Don’t show your love for our Holy Father by wearing your “I ♥ POPE FRANCIS” tee shirt in public. Don a NJ Devils shirt instead.
- If you live in DC, NY, or Philly, PTFO.
Latest posts by Candy Schulman (see all)
- TV ‘n’ Dinner in Trumpworld: What to Cook When You’re Watching Fake News - September 12, 2018
- Mid-Term Addendum to My Syllabus for Freshman Composition II - March 24, 2018
- Republicans Unveil Alt-Health Care Plan 3.0 - April 14, 2017