Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/14/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

Jeb Bush has a ‘YouTube’ page

Mostly, because they don’t make a ‘GoingDownTheTubes’ page.

Man who voiced Charlie Brown gets prison in California case

At sentencing all the judge said was ‘Waaa Waaa Waaa Waaa.’

Lake Titicaca: South American lake plagued by pollution and invasive species, report says

On the upside, it’s fun saying ‘Titicaca.’

As a boss, Carly Fiorina was a contradictory figure at Hewlett-Packard

If you contradicted her you got fired…

El Niño sends deadly snakes to SoCal

And, I just thought it was the election year bringing them there to raise money.

Trump rips ‘Time Magazine’ after being snubbed for ‘Person of the Year’

In fairness, it is owned by foreigners and a rich Muslim… no that’s FOX, never mind.

Why the world hates Exxon/Mobil

I’m guessing because the price of gas is going up and down faster Caitlyn Jenner’s testosterone and estrogen levels.

Happy 99th birthday, Kirk Douglas

When he made Spartacus, it was a contemporary film.

Paris Hilton bares backside for Paper magazine

As opposed to her usual pose as a pain in the ass.

Dick Cheney: Former Vice President says Trump’s Muslim ban ‘goes against everything we stand for’

Because, as the old saying goes, ‘oil’s well that ends with an oil well.’

Joe Walsh: Former Congressman says ‘Islam is evil’ and a ‘cancer’

Also, says no plans for Eagles reunion…

Supremacists turn on Coulter after discovering she dates black men, cancel speech

So, it’s true, once you go black you’re never invited back.

Israel exported gold to North Korea

Now we’re talking ‘gelt by association.’

President Obama just ended ‘No Child Left Behind’

Interestingly, ‘No Child Left Behind’ has now been left behind.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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