Donald Trump and the Independent

Exclusive: A secret recording shows that Donald Trump is concerned about a new independent candidate entering the race.

Breaking news: One of our reporters has just secretly recorded this conversation between Donald Trump and one of his new advisors.

Donald Trump worried about independent candidate JesusStaffer: “Mr. Trump, did you get the email I sent about the independent who has just entered the race?”

Donald Trump: “Yeah, some hippie looking throw-back to the ’60’s.”

Staffer: “Well, he’s been developing quite a following. Crowds just kinda form around him, and he’s a good extemporaneous speaker.”

Trump: “I’m not worried about the kind of people who want to sit on the grass in a park or on a mount and listen to some guy tell stories instead of keeping in touch with the real world on their iPads or iPhones. Let me see the stats on his demographic.”

(Staffer hands Trump a print-out, and he studies it briefly.)

Trump: “Just as I thought. He’s no threat; he’s going after the riff-raff, like he says, ‘the meek, the peacemakers,’ and weaklings like ‘the merciful.'”

Staffer: “Yeah, but there’s another problem. The press is reporting that he seems to have some unusual powers; they’ve verified some actual healing. So he’s bound to get the disabled vote.”

Trump: “Come on, if they’re disabled, how are they going to get out and vote anyway?”

Staffer: “Uh, uh, how about absentee ballot?”

Trump: “Oh, yeah.” He scratches his chin. “You’d better start a spin that the cures are all staged, that he does it just to collect money from the poor suckers who believe it and want to be cured.”

Staffer: “But he doesn’t collect money.”

Trump: “What? Then add that he doesn’t believe in the free enterprise system either.”

Staffer: “What’s worse, he’s attacked our people.”

Trump: “What do you mean?”

Staffer: “Here, look at his latest statement.”

(Staffer hands Trump a newspaper and Trump reads out loud.)

Trump: (reading) “‘It’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.’ We got him, disdain for the backbone of this country. They keep this country going for all his riff-raff followers. Their wealth trickles down like the gentle rain from heaven–see I can talk like that guy too. By the way, what’s his name again.”

Staffer: “Get this, he’s trying to make himself sound like a big celeb by just using one name, you know like Cher or Beyonce, like that. They’re calling him Christ.”

Trump: “Jeez!”

Diane de Anda
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