Ripping the Headlines Today - by Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

New York AG looking into reports Eric Trump Foundation funneled $100K to Trump properties

Hey, gold toilets don’t pay for themselves.

Kirsten Gillibrand drops f-bomb during speech at NYU

Or, as she calls it NYFU.

Comey: Lordy, I hope there are tapes

Damn, the last to person to say that was Kris Jenner when she heard Kim had sex with Ray J.

Best (and worst) states to be unemployed

And the number one best state is inebriated.

Trailer for ‘Black Panther’ movie drops tonight

It would have come out earlier but Trump demanded to see its birth certificate…

Dr. Phil to guest’s daughter-in-law: ‘you don’t hold a grandchild hostage for leverage’

Pets, however, are a whole different story.

White House: Trump not ‘picking a fight’ with London mayor

Then the only other explanation is he’s flirting.

Scientists may have found evidence of a parallel universe

And that we’re all living in it.

Happy 89th Birthday, Dr. Ruth

Guess that proves 89 is the new 69…

Georgia GOP U.S. House Candidate: ‘I do not support a livable wage’

People need to earn their money the old fashioned way, through inheritance.

Trump announces U.S withdrawal from Paris Climate Pact

Although, after dumping the Climate Pact, word is Trump is looking to replace it with a younger climate pact.

Adam West dies at 88: Hollywood pays homage to ‘Batman’ icon

Holy Pearly Gates, Batman. RIP, Adam West.

Leo Varadkar: Ireland set to have first gay PM

And, it’s the first time that a queen’s ruled over them in over a century.

Fox News mulls whether ‘Wonder Woman’ is ‘American’ enough

Who’d know better than a company owned by Aussie and Middle Eastern billionaires?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)