Aspersions on Their Asparagus

Casting aspersions on the deserving Louie Gohmerts of the world

One of my favorite quotes is from Texas’ 1st Congressional District Representative, Louie Gohmert. It was during a house grilling of then Attorney General Eric Holder. Holder was appearing before Congress for being… umm… competent? Anyway, during the exchange Rep. Gohmert took exception to one of the Attorney General’s responses. Holder implied Gohmert was being a little casual with the facts to which Louie replied, and I quote: “The Attorney General will not cast aspersions on my asparagus.”

aspersions on Louie Gohmert
Louie Gohmert reacts to the casting of aspersions on his asparagus.

I’ll bet you didn’t see that coming. I’ll bet nobody this side of a padded cell saw that one coming. The fact is, that actually came out of the mouth of a respected member of Congress. Well, a member of Congress anyway.

Other little nuggets by Mr. Gohmert include: “…if you’re sitting around getting massages all day ready to go into a big, planned battle, then you’re not going to last very long,” while speaking against gays serving in the military.

And then there’s this impeccable display of logic when speaking of limiting the amount of rounds one can put in a firearm. Take it away Louie: “And I pointed out, well, once you make it ten, then why would you draw the line at ten? What’s wrong with nine? Or eleven? And the problem is once you draw that limit; it’s kind of like marriage when you say it’s not a man and a woman any more, then why not have three men and one woman, or four women and one man, or why not somebody has a love for an animal?”

That’s right. A ten round clip could lead to sex with Rin-Tin-Tin. Actually, let’s make that Lassie. We wouldn’t want anybody thinking Louie was gay or anything.

The honorable Mr. Gohmert was also on board with conspiracies like foreign women are coming across the boarder to have babies and turn them into terrorists or “terror babies.” He linked the overthrow of Gaddafi to Obamacare. Obama’s jobs plan was to funnel jobs to gays at the expense of traditional marriage. He thought Obama was working in league with al Qaeda and the Muslim Brotherhood. He believes the Alaska oil pipeline puts caribou in a romantic mood. He’s promoted the birther conspiracy theory that Obama was a Muslim from Kenya. And the list goes on.

So, before I bury the lead any deeper, let me get to the point of this column. As a well-intentioned, soft headed liberal, I was saying we need to listen to the Trump voter. Look at their concerns and address them. Find out what makes them tick. But after plodding through six months of this administration, I’d like to adjust that sentiment a bit.

There is a problem with employment in this country. Obamacare does need to be tweaked. Terrorism is a very real threat. These things are facts. As is the fact that the thirty something percent of hardcore Trump supporters are unreachable. They are, to quote, “deplorables” that will latch onto any conspiracy that affirms their limited, paranoid view of the world. Trying to persuade them of anything is like trying to discuss Schopenhauer with a rock. What you end up with is a review of your knowledge of Schopenhauer and a rock.

Let me be clear about something. I’m no ivory tower elitist. I’ve made my way in the world by working in canneries and warehouses. I’ve been a cab driver, truck driver, bus driver, and driving instructor. My back and knees feel every bit of the 66 years I’ve spent punishing them. Most of my friends and colleagues are blue collar and most of them voted for Trump. This is not an indictment of people who spend their day trying to make it to the next day so they can keep putting food on the table. This is, however, a recrimination of those who would willingly discard 241 years of hard fought progress to usher in their nihilistic, dystopic view of America.

These are folks that believe Hillary Clinton was part of a child prostitution ring working out of a pizzeria in D.C. They believe Common Core is a homosexual plot to indoctrinate our children. They believe a military exercise in Texas was a prelude to a junta like takeover of the country — a conspiracy that was given credence by Texas Governor Greg Abbott when he ordered the state guard to keep an eye on the goings on, just in case.

They believe that Sharia Law is coming soon to a courtroom near you. Sharia, like the Ten Commandments, is an outline for ethical behavior. It is not a template for any courtroom in any part of our country. By the way, neither is the Ten Commandments. If it were, we would all be in prison for arguing with our parents or not going to church on Sunday. It’s about that church state separation thing the uber-right seems to have a hard time understanding. One of the more brilliant recent conspiracies is NASA is running a child slave compound on Mars. Let me get this straight. The Moon landing was a hoax but we are shipping children to Mars to enslave them in Martian cell phone factories. Yeah, that makes perfect sense.

So, this is for Louie Gohmert and his ilk. I gladly cast aspersions on all your asparagus. You will not win because you don’t have the mental capacity to get the job done. You are not making America great again because we were pretty damn great before you put that orange, conspiracy loving, sexual predator in the White House. The rest of us will not stand by and watch you destroy what Lincoln (a Republican) called the “…last best hope of Earth.”

I’m not talking about taking up arms. I’m talking about using reason and common decency. Weapons that you have apparently excluded from your arsenals. My advice to you is board your tin foil rocket ships and point them up. There’s a colony of child slaves that would like you to make Mars great again.

Chuck Legge
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