[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

New iPhone X Allows Baby Boomers to Complain about Medicare-for-All from Comfort of Free Doctor Visit

Apple’s surprise announcement of the iPhone X finally let’s the War Babies publicly decry public assistance to anyone but them.

Apple introduced three new iPhone models this week, but only one optimally allows Baby Boomers to walk into their government-funded doctor’s visit and complain about anyone else at all doing the exact same thing.

Baby Boomers iPhone XThe iPhone X is by far the most advanced and expensive smartphone yet, something that will come in handy to anyone who was lucky enough to not be drafted, and therefore, live long enough to sell out their beliefs for stock in Rite-Aid.

“Kids these days don’t even know what it’s like to go to a free medical appointment and not be able to bitch about it in real time,” Tom Williamson, 67, said.

“The iPhone X allows my generation to finally voice its concerns — because honestly, it’s about time.”

One of the new features of the phone is Face ID, which for some reason, will be able to tell apart one wrinkly, white face from another.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says that while everyone born between 1946 and 1964 are seemingly terrified of everything, they have no reason to fear the Face ID.

“There’s no need to worry, as each Baby Boomer has a completely individual facial marker comprised of cocaine and lead, based solely on the year they were born and the day they decided not to give a shit about Reagan selling arms to Iran to fund an illegal war in Central America, ” Cook said.

“This is the 401(k) equivalent to modern cyber security.”

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Matt Rotman

Matt Rotman

Matt Rotman is a writer and comic. His work has been featured in National Lampoon, Modern Times Magazine, Diabolique Magazine, The New Southerner, Marathon Literary Review, and the anthologies, [Ex]tinguished & [Ex]tinct: An Anthology of Things That No Longer [Ex]ist (Twelve Winters Press) and Puff Puff Prose, Poetry and a Play Vol II. He lives in San Diego, CA.