[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

63% of Aliens Believe Humans Haven’t Visited Earth

Aliens are now generally unsupportive of the idea that humans have, in any shape or form, been to Earth, according to new polling.

In a new NBC/Marist poll, 63 percent of all aliens believe humans haven’t ever laid eyes on Earth, and therefore, wouldn’t have a damned clue about what’s going on here.

aliens, biologist
Alien biologist TD-3 SQQQQ, speaking to reporter in secret interview.

By a 53-34 margin, most aliens also believe that if humans were generally aware of the Earth, they simply don’t give a shit.

Alien scientists have long contended that any human race advanced enough to step foot on Earth would possess an awareness that they were more than just a sentient blob of bones and tissue taking up space.

“If the Human Hypothesis were true, you’d expect that after hundreds of years of observing the Earth, we’d have some kind of hard evidence — a photo or video of a human being displaying some kind of acknowledgement that it was standing on the only medium-sized planet in the galaxy capable of sustaining life,” TD-3 SQQQQ, an alien biologist, said.

“If humans are truly out there, there’s just no scientific data to suggest they care enough to be here.”

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Matt Rotman

Matt Rotman

Matt Rotman is a writer and comic. His work has been featured in National Lampoon, Modern Times Magazine, Diabolique Magazine, The New Southerner, Marathon Literary Review, and the anthologies, [Ex]tinguished & [Ex]tinct: An Anthology of Things That No Longer [Ex]ist (Twelve Winters Press) and Puff Puff Prose, Poetry and a Play Vol II. He lives in San Diego, CA.