The Jerry Duncan Show: Interview with George W Bush

Spoof talk radio at its best: Jerry Duncan interviews George W Bush!

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the 43rd president of the United States, George W Bush.

George W Bush - DonkeyHotey
George W Bush. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

GEORGE W BUSH

Muchos Taco Bell amigos.

JERRY

Whatever El Stupido.

BUSH

Before we get started, I brought you a gift.

JERRY

A bale of hay from your ranch?

(The sound of crumpling paper.)

BUSH

No. I painted a portrait of you.

JERRY

That’s not me. It’s Steve Bannon.

BUSH

Oops. Wrong monster.

JERRY

You were the president for two terms. The first election in 2008 you beat Al Gore by just 537 votes. The Supreme Court had to declare the winner.

BUSH

I won because like I said in one of my speeches, I knew “how hard it was for Americans to put food on their family.” Those votes came from retired comedians living in Florida.

JERRY

You were a drunk before you met your wife Laura in 1977. How did that happen?

BUSH

It started when I was a party animal at the fraternity house during my college days. I drank everything I could get my hands on. After graduation, I continued the habit until I crashed my old man’s car into a police vehicle.

JERRY

Did you go to jail?

BUSH

No. I had a Get Out Of Jail Free card that I used from my Monopoly game. Boy was I lucky that I never played Clue.

JERRY

Laura saved your ass.

BUSH

Yes sir. She was the original desperate housewife.

JERRY

You owned the Texas Rangers baseball team, an oil company, worked on your father’s presidential campaign in 1988. Then became the Governor of Texas from 1995-2000.

BUSH

And that’s how I learned about the Axis of Evil.

JERRY

North Korea, Iraq and Iran. Right?

BUSH

No. OJ Simpson, Charlie Manson and Son of Sam.

JERRY

Your first year as president the Twin Towers in New York City were attacked on September 11, 2001. What was going on in your head?

BUSH

I was reading the book My Pet Goat to a bunch of second graders and worried that I wouldn’t be able to finish.

JERRY

You were rushed to safety. Right?

BUSH

Yes. I was taken to a secured bunker. I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right in the Oval Office.

JERRY

Are you delusional?

BUSH

I’m Methodist.

JERRY

You started wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I understand why you wanted to smoke out Osama bin Laden. He was the mastermind behind 9/11. But why Saddam Hussein?

BUSH

Why not? It’s only a 10 hour plane ride from Afghanistan to Iraq. I have plenty of frequent flier miles. (chuckles) Hee, hee, hee.

JERRY

Let’s discuss your time in office. You increased Federal spending and cut taxes for the wealthy.

BUSH

(chuckles) Hee, hee, hee. My peeps.

JERRY

When you took office there was a 237 billion dollar surplus. When you left 8 years later there was a deficit of 162 billion.

BUSH

It’s Newton’s law of gravity. What goes up must come down.

JERRY

Yeah, my urologist told me that before I started taking Viagra. Hey, what about Hurricane Katrina? You didn’t do anything about the flooding in New Orleans for two days.

BUSH

I really feel bad about Katrina. But look at the bright side, there was fishing in the French Quarter. I caught me a big Red Snapper on Bourbon Street.

JERRY

What do you think of Trump?

BUSH

Because of the Donald, I’m more popular than ever. I’m no longer a joke.

JERRY

That’s your opinion, fella. Okay Renoir paint away.

BUSH

I confess padre, I paint by numbers.

JERRY

You talk like an idiot.

BUSH

Of course I talk like an idiot. How else could you understand me?

JERRY

Good-bye everyone. See you tomorrow.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. His play The Boys of Winter received an IRNE Award nomination for best new play by the New England Theatres Critic Association and was the Critic’s Pick in The Boston Globe. He is presently developing a screenplay that will be directed by Scott Rosenfelt, the producer of the box office hits Home Alone and Mystic Pizza.